Money Mgmt Skills For Brides

Posts Tagged ‘wedding’

Today we are going to wrap up the Budget conscious bride and the paying parent. I know the first two days were heavy. When you are planning a wedding and about to enter into marriage you must look at the BIG picture and all of those affected. Yes your parents can be happy for you; let’s face it there could be some mom’s living through their daughter’s WEDDING! It is your wedding and this day should be the way you want it without REGRETS. Okay that is another post for another time.

What recommendations can you offer the parent if you say no to the financial assistance for your wedding? Well, I am glad you asked the question because yes you are getting married AND not BUT AND after the wedding COMES the MARRIAGE. What do most couples want once they are married …. a HOUSE! Let’s get right into some recommendations for your MARRIAGE:

(1) Ask the parent(s) to give you the money to put towards a down payment on a house.

(2) Ask them to pay off a credit card.

(3) I remember we had gotten a gift certificate to a Bed and Breakfast that we used on our first anniversary. All we had to do was pack, get in the car and go. Everything was taken care of when we arrived.

(4) Ask them to pay off a smaller student loan.

(5) Since the bride and groom are budget conscious about their wedding,  give them the gift of premarital financial counseling before they get married so they know what they are getting themselves into.

Any of these will say the parent(s) understand after the wedding, the bride and groom are married. There are different situations that occur during marriage and they are assisting in getting the marriage off on sound footing without creating unnecessary tension and stress only days after the honeymoon.

Come back tomorrow as we discuss more about Dynamics of Parent(s) when it comes to a wedding.

Yesterday we discussed how you had everything planned. You and your fiance had talked about the dream wedding down to agreeing up on budget for your wedding. As soon as you let out a sigh of relief knowing that you had dotted all the i’s and crossed all the t’s, enter in the paying parent(s) saying they want to pay for a part of your wedding.

Not only do they want to pay for a part of the wedding, they want to change the venue and add an additional 100 to 200 guests to your wedding. You and your fiance had decided on a wedding that included 150 guests max. When we left the question was how do you handle a paying parent(s) as a daughter in the process of becoming a wife?

Dynamics are already in the process of changing and this must be thought out in detail.  Below are things to consider:

(1) Do you cave to your parents wishes and go over budget! Caution:  Is the message you want to send your fiance “NOW” in the midst of wedding plans that your parent(s) wishes come before his, thereby disregarding what the two of you agreed upon.

(2) Figure out a way to compromise with your parents so that all involved are happy whether that means they get to choose the venue or invite half of their friends and colleagues will be something that should be decided among all involved. Caution:  This message says you are into pleasing everyone which you cannot do. This does not mean for one second you should not compromise. Understand what you are saying yes to and what you are saying no to.

(3) Tell your parent(s) thank you. However, they have raised a budget conscious young woman whose about to become a wife. As you and your fiance have agreed on a budget for the wedding that the two of you can afford. You ask them to understand your choice to stay within your budget that is already established. You do not want to create debt for your wedding nor cause your fiance to think that what you agreed to does not matter once they enter the picture. Ensure they know you love them and appreciate their wanting to contribute. Caution:  There are some parents that might be upset because it will seem as if they are not in control. However, in the long run they should be proud of your financial choices.

Come back tomorrow for Part 3 which will provide recommendations for Parental Financial Help.

I was sitting here this morning and began thinking about what is important to couples. When couples get married, they think about the white picket fence and living happily ever after. They do not plan for those challenges that present along the way. One of the biggest challenges that happen are money issues. Let’s face it, we all know that money is one of the top reasons for divorce.

If you are like me and have read story after story in the media where couples are arguing about money and couples that were going to divorce but are staying together because they could not afford it says that money is an important issue that can and does threaten a marriage. It threatens a marriage because people are not talking about it before walking down the aisle or even afterwards until a situation arise.

Sure you can walk down the aisle knowing that you have some financial issues that have not been disclosed. That choice in itself when the money issues are revealed can threaten your marriage regardless of the length of time of your marriage. Money fights can lead to financial stress and strain, blame game, even going to bed at night mad with each other and we know they can lead to divorce.

What will you choose today? Money fights or Answers on discussing money throughout marriage?? You don’t have to be like the norm. Your marriage and money can work - stand up for yourself and your marriage.

Money for some reason continues to be a taboo subject. People do not want to talk about it until they are faced with a situation. Unfortunately waiting until their is a crisis can lead to even more issues versus reducing the problem.

When there is hidden debt - it can lead to divorce, overspending, bankruptcy and even separation. The cost of financial infidelity results in:
1) Arguments
2) Hasty Decisions
3) Separation
4) Going to bed hurt, mad
5) Silence throughout the marriage on the subject of money
6) Fingerpointing - when in all actuality both are responsible
7) Decline in work performance

Whether you are reading this as a parent, clergy, relative or even the couple themself - we all know couples that could have benefited from premarital financial guidance resulting in learning how to talk about money. Yet, we take for granted that these couples are talking when in actuality most are not.
What is the benefit for allowing a couple to walk down the aisle without giving them tools to aid their marriage beyond the wedding day?

Financial transparency during the engagement leads to a stronger marital relationship and continued transparency. Financial transparency provides:
1) Trust in the marriage
2) Mutual financial goals
3) Long-term plans for the relationship
4) Healthy financial boundaries that both agree to
5) Greater intimacy in the relationship
6) No stress
7) Work performance excels and could lead to more promotions
Planning fabulous vacations without financial worries
9) Preparation for becoming a family with children
10) Discussing and setting a goal for affordable homeownership
11)Times where you can splurge without concern
12)Opportunity to learn from previous financial mistakes and grow together
13)Taking responsibility as adults and much more…..

Can you put a price tag on financial transparency? The value of it far outweighs any cost. The cost of financial infidelity costs and leaves a bad taste in people’s mouths regarding relationships.

What will you choose today? How do you want your marriage to play on the screen in your head?

All too often we hear about these stories in the news where men are killing women and money is a factor. There have been even more stories since the economy change where men have killed their entire families and some of the causes was being overwhelmed by their debt. I ask you how much debt does it take for people to act out character. Let’s review:

Remember the Laci Peterson case with Scott Peterson. Prosecutors said that he killed his wife and unborn child due to increasing debt and a desire to be free from obligations.

Second case that I found was the April Greer case who was murdered by her boyfriend, Jerry Lynn Stuart, Jr. Not really clear as to why he murdered her, but according to the post I read on thegreatseparation.com - Stuart’s troubled childhood of abuse and poverty created a personality disorder that was triggered when he found out Greer was being unfaithful.

Now we have the Craigslist killer who is a young medical student with a fiancee. He has a $130,000 in student loans. I am wondering if he and his fiancee discussed finances. Sure she might have known he had student loans but maybe not the extent of his debt. This debt in my opinion caused him to take actions that he might not have otherwise taken.

I ask you, the parent do you truly know your son or daughter’s future spouse background? What does their financial picture look like? Do you even know your own son or daughter’s financial habits? Clearly in case after case, parents are heartbroken, cannot believe their son or daughter would behave this way. Yes they are grown ups, however it is apparent people still need to learn effective and regular communication about money in a relationship.

Think about the financial challenges you have had during your marriage. Would you want your son or daughter to struggle as you have? Let me encourage you while you are spending money on their wedding or anniversary gift, take a life long step and invest in their marriage. Provide them with the tools to teach them how to talk about money throughout the lifetime of their marriage. That is truly one gift that will change lives for the better and give them steps they can take together for the benefit of the marriage.

Communication is essential in all relationships. Being honest and willing to share upfront can prevent and relieve financial stress and strain before it gets to be unbearable.

Personally, I would not want our son or daughter being put at risk because of a lack of finances and their spouse feeling as if they have no other options. Think big picture beyond the wedding day and equip them to handle financial challenges that DO arise in marriage.

I can imagine the look on your face as you read that title. Terms and conditions are three words that apply when preparing to walk down the aisle. Have you discussed with your bride-to-be the terms and conditions regarding her financial background? If you said no, then let me help you prepare for this initial conversation.

When we think of the word terms – it means words with precise meanings. When you are using the word terms in the context of money and marriage it could be used as follows: Hello Bride, let’s discuss the terms in finances to see what they mean to you. Then you can begin going down a grocery list or checklist of terms such as bank, asset, liability, credit, debit, savings and withdrawal. With each word you want to discuss what they mean to her and how they apply to her life.

You might be surprised that for some people it will make them uncomfortable because it will seem that you are prying into an area that you have no right to ask questions. If you’re engaged, then this should raise a little bit of a red flag. What is with all the secrecy? It is important that you know what you are getting yourself into. I discourage you from saying “I Do” based on face value. When I say face value, I mean cuteness. Take the time to discuss the terms and conditions.

Speaking of conditions, now you want to ask what is the condition of your finances? Do you have debt? Are all of your bills paid on time? How many credit cards do you have? These four questions alone are enough to begin talking with each other about your financial information. True enough, it is a hard discussion to have; however when you begin, you will be so glad that you did.

There is no reason money should still be a taboo subject in 2009. Do not spend your time worrying about it and thinking about, it’s time to talk about it and take action. Once you are married if you have not discussed the terms and conditions prior to and find out about debt, this can upset the applecart as they say.

Take the time now to discuss the terms and conditions as you prepare to walk down the aisle. You will be amazed what openness and honesty about finances can do for a relationship, let alone an individual who was once in the dark about the other person’s finances. Let me encourage you to be on the side of your spouse, not against her. Establish a mutual understanding about the terms and conditions prior to beginning this discussion. The result can have lasting effects in your relationship.

Normally the Bride and Groom stand at the altar and take the vows that say Do you Groom take The Bride to be your Lawfully wedded wife, To Have and To Hold from this day forward, For Better of For Worse, For Richer or For Poorer, In Sickness and in Health, To Love and to Cherish from this day forward, until Death Do us Part. Then You Hear “I Do.”

What if the vows went like this:

Do You Groom take your Bride to manage the families money by trial and error, to keep it a secret from her that you are a shopper and will incur additional debt beyond what already exists that she does not know about, to accept this bride without financial disclosure of her own financial background, believing you can merge your finances even though you know you have debt and believe it will not affect her credit and prepared to handle the first financial emergency when it arises in your marriage.

If the second one was the vows that you heard standing at the altar, what would you do? Would you say I do or would you object and say I cannot marry you?

Once couples get married they have financial challenges that they did not prepare for and do not know how to handle it. Take it from a happily married wife of 13 years, this is preventable. My husband and I came to our marriage with debt and the difference is we talked about it with each other prior to marriage. Full financial disclosure was given by each of us. If you have financial challenges and want unbiased guidance on money and marriage, send me an email today. There is nothing like feeling trapped and not being able to get help. I know it hurts.

Budget has practically been equated to a four letter word. That in itself shows you how the mind works. Today it is time to think of budget in a different aspect when it comes to your marriage. In my opinion, budget is the aspect of setting healthy financial boundaries for yourself and your marriage that cannot be changed based upon what your parents, friends, in-laws, or co-workers are doing.

Budget is based on the reality of your relationship – the shopper and saver, the fact that only you and your future groom know what your income is not everyone outside of the household and your knowing what your monthly expenses are. Many engaged couples are focused on the budget in regards to the wedding. Once the wedding is done, some of them will discard the different financial lessons learned during that process.

I ask you to not discard those different financial lessons whether good or bad but continue to utilize what you learned through that process. More than likely two of the lessons learned would be communication and compromise. The bride and groom communicated with each other about what the budget was, how much they had to spend on different aspects of the wedding. There might be times when a heated discussion took place based on personal preference. What is good about this is that you were talking with each other.

The second lesson was learning how to compromise on various items and not overspending. It is important that you reflect and recognize that you did not HAVE to HAVE a certain item but you were willing to compromise. Understand this, once you are married there will be times when you are spending money that you have to compromise. It’s okay that can be a good thing.

Budget is what you make it. If you think it is a bad thing then it will be. If you find it is a solution to a problem, then it will be a solution.

When I first thought about writing this post, it was initially meant to be about money and the wedding. The more I thought about it, I one could actually apply this to any part of your life where you spend money. But I digress, this post will be written as intended discussing money and the wedding.

Many brides-to-be who are also planning their wedding are faced with the economic realities of not being able to have a big elaborate wedding as they once dreamed. They must now decide what they are willing to spend their money on and what they are willing to do themselves. The decision is overspend and have financial challenges upon returning from the honeymoon or reduce the wedding budget and have an intimate gathering which will not bankrupt anyone’s finances.

Let me assure you, from my own personal observations and having officiated several weddings, spending a large amount of money on a wedding does not guarantee happily ever after. I have been to weddings where a lot of money was spent and the marriage did not last two years. Then I have attended weddings that were small and the marriage continues.

Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that if you have a large wedding you are automatically headed for divorce court. I believe based on the current economy, it is important to make your wedding a wedding that has no financial regrets. By being honest about your financial picture as you are planning your wedding, this can make the beginning of your marriage less stressful when it comes to finances.

The financial picture is very significant to every relationship. The idea and plan should be to walk down the aisle already having a financial plan and working it. You do not want to get caught up in the wedding planning and have not thought beyond the wedding day. That is one of my main reasons for recommending you establish a financial foundation for your household first.

After you have established your financial foundation, then the research can begin as to what type of wedding it is that you and your fiancé would like to have within your financial parameters. I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open with your soon to be groom about the finances but not to the point of overwhelming him or causing him reason for concern. You can share that you have everything under control where you believe both of you will be happy with the result and it will not cause strain on your relationship nor marriage.

Share with him the fun things that you are doing for the two of you that he will be able to appreciate. These warm thoughts will ensure that he has a partner in deed instead of someone that is only marrying him for his money. One of the goals while you are preparing for your wedding is to think about the big picture. What is it you would like to see beyond the wedding day for your marriage and money? With that thought in mind, I encourage you to have fun planning and take it one day at a time.

If you need additional help go to : http://debtatthealtar.com/military-spouse-deployment-and-finances/