Money Mgmt Skills For Brides

Posts Tagged ‘parents’

Love is in the Air. You are engaged and have begun having talks with your fiance about “Your Dream Wedding.” This is a special time in your life that you have dreamed about for years. Now you are engaged and this is your opportunity for you and your fiance to make that dream a reality.

Let’s face it even before this day, you were looking at Bridal magazines to see waht all the latest styles were. It is important to you to have “The DRESS” that will make a statement, make all those in attendance “ooh and aah”. A wedding dress that no one will forget and talk about for years.  One that when you look back on your wedding pictures, all the memories come flooding and your eyes began to tear because it was such a special day in your life.  It doesn’t matter that you have the dress in the closet.

You are preparing to attend several bridal shows and are quite excited about the memories that are being created even in this process. True enough, the economy has caused brides to evaluate chioces when it comes to the wedding. Take a closer look at venues, caterers, florists, number of guests and soo much more.

You and your fiance have sat down and established a “DOABLE Realistic” budget that you both agree to and are happy about. The “MUST HAVES” are on the list and there are even several items that you have discussed and compromised on. You let out a sigh of relief because you believe you have thought of everything until ……. (DRUM ROLL)…. your parent(s) decide to pay for part of the wedding.

Over the next few weeks the parent(s) go through your guest list, ask you about the venue and want to know all the details of what you have planned for your “Dream Wedding.”  You are politely told the venue you and your fiance have chosen is not going to work because there are an additional 100 to 200 of their closest colleagues and friends that would like to invite. 

Before this discussion, you were all set on venue, number of guests not to mention you and your fiance agreed on a budget believing the two of you were paying for the wedding.  The wedding is months away and several things are set in motion. How do you handle a paying parent(s)? This is crucial because it sets the tone for your parental relationship and your marriage.

Weigh in. Come back tomorrow for part 2. This entire week will be devoted to Parents and a Wedding.

Money for some reason continues to be a taboo subject. People do not want to talk about it until they are faced with a situation. Unfortunately waiting until their is a crisis can lead to even more issues versus reducing the problem.

When there is hidden debt - it can lead to divorce, overspending, bankruptcy and even separation. The cost of financial infidelity results in:
1) Arguments
2) Hasty Decisions
3) Separation
4) Going to bed hurt, mad
5) Silence throughout the marriage on the subject of money
6) Fingerpointing - when in all actuality both are responsible
7) Decline in work performance

Whether you are reading this as a parent, clergy, relative or even the couple themself - we all know couples that could have benefited from premarital financial guidance resulting in learning how to talk about money. Yet, we take for granted that these couples are talking when in actuality most are not.
What is the benefit for allowing a couple to walk down the aisle without giving them tools to aid their marriage beyond the wedding day?

Financial transparency during the engagement leads to a stronger marital relationship and continued transparency. Financial transparency provides:
1) Trust in the marriage
2) Mutual financial goals
3) Long-term plans for the relationship
4) Healthy financial boundaries that both agree to
5) Greater intimacy in the relationship
6) No stress
7) Work performance excels and could lead to more promotions
Planning fabulous vacations without financial worries
9) Preparation for becoming a family with children
10) Discussing and setting a goal for affordable homeownership
11)Times where you can splurge without concern
12)Opportunity to learn from previous financial mistakes and grow together
13)Taking responsibility as adults and much more…..

Can you put a price tag on financial transparency? The value of it far outweighs any cost. The cost of financial infidelity costs and leaves a bad taste in people’s mouths regarding relationships.

What will you choose today? How do you want your marriage to play on the screen in your head?

All too often we hear about these stories in the news where men are killing women and money is a factor. There have been even more stories since the economy change where men have killed their entire families and some of the causes was being overwhelmed by their debt. I ask you how much debt does it take for people to act out character. Let’s review:

Remember the Laci Peterson case with Scott Peterson. Prosecutors said that he killed his wife and unborn child due to increasing debt and a desire to be free from obligations.

Second case that I found was the April Greer case who was murdered by her boyfriend, Jerry Lynn Stuart, Jr. Not really clear as to why he murdered her, but according to the post I read on thegreatseparation.com - Stuart’s troubled childhood of abuse and poverty created a personality disorder that was triggered when he found out Greer was being unfaithful.

Now we have the Craigslist killer who is a young medical student with a fiancee. He has a $130,000 in student loans. I am wondering if he and his fiancee discussed finances. Sure she might have known he had student loans but maybe not the extent of his debt. This debt in my opinion caused him to take actions that he might not have otherwise taken.

I ask you, the parent do you truly know your son or daughter’s future spouse background? What does their financial picture look like? Do you even know your own son or daughter’s financial habits? Clearly in case after case, parents are heartbroken, cannot believe their son or daughter would behave this way. Yes they are grown ups, however it is apparent people still need to learn effective and regular communication about money in a relationship.

Think about the financial challenges you have had during your marriage. Would you want your son or daughter to struggle as you have? Let me encourage you while you are spending money on their wedding or anniversary gift, take a life long step and invest in their marriage. Provide them with the tools to teach them how to talk about money throughout the lifetime of their marriage. That is truly one gift that will change lives for the better and give them steps they can take together for the benefit of the marriage.

Communication is essential in all relationships. Being honest and willing to share upfront can prevent and relieve financial stress and strain before it gets to be unbearable.

Personally, I would not want our son or daughter being put at risk because of a lack of finances and their spouse feeling as if they have no other options. Think big picture beyond the wedding day and equip them to handle financial challenges that DO arise in marriage.

I have been in the place of when you are out in public, it appears that everything is great. Yet, behind closed doors fear has taken over and stifled you from taking action.

Read with me:

It is April 2009, you are in a serious relationship and have been talking about marriage. You are ecstatic because you know this is the one. You have a job and are on your own. Someday soon you will be planning your wedding. From the outside you could not be happier.

At the end of your work day, you begin to drive home so you can relax. You get your mail, open the door to your apartment and close the door. You put everything away and if you are like me, I immediately get into my comfy (lounging) clothes.

You sit in the chair in front of the tv. All of a sudden, there is an unexpected knock at your door. You go to the door, through the peephole and do not see anyone. So you open the door to see if someone ran.

You don’t see anyone, so you close the door. Here is what happened. Hello, my name is fear and you have let me into your life. You have debt and because of me, you are not talking with your boyfriend or fiance’ about your financial issues. You continue to go to work and stressing about your finances while you work.

There have been times when I have had co-workers come and talk to you about their own relationships. What they don’t realize is that I’ve entered their life as well because they are talking to people who are in the same situation - fussing and complaining versus being in a position to solve the challenges.

As long as I have a hold on you, you will not seek answers and you will walk down the aisle to say “I Do” with these vows ringing in your mind - Twist on Vows You had opportunity after opportunity to take action; however, you listened to me more.

I had you thinking your boyfriend or fiance’ would leave you if you communicated to him what was happening. Furthermore, I had you convinced you could not go to a family member because they would be disappointed in you. Therefore, you chose to do nothing and now you are potentially setting yourself up to become a divorce statistic.

Do not let fear grip you for another minute. Take a STAND for yourself, your future and your relationship. Can you afford to continue on the financial path you are already on? When you learn financial management, it impacts your life and the lives of many (family, friends, co-workers, etc.)

Normally the Bride and Groom stand at the altar and take the vows that say Do you Groom take The Bride to be your Lawfully wedded wife, To Have and To Hold from this day forward, For Better of For Worse, For Richer or For Poorer, In Sickness and in Health, To Love and to Cherish from this day forward, until Death Do us Part. Then You Hear “I Do.”

What if the vows went like this:

Do You Groom take your Bride to manage the families money by trial and error, to keep it a secret from her that you are a shopper and will incur additional debt beyond what already exists that she does not know about, to accept this bride without financial disclosure of her own financial background, believing you can merge your finances even though you know you have debt and believe it will not affect her credit and prepared to handle the first financial emergency when it arises in your marriage.

If the second one was the vows that you heard standing at the altar, what would you do? Would you say I do or would you object and say I cannot marry you?

Once couples get married they have financial challenges that they did not prepare for and do not know how to handle it. Take it from a happily married wife of 13 years, this is preventable. My husband and I came to our marriage with debt and the difference is we talked about it with each other prior to marriage. Full financial disclosure was given by each of us. If you have financial challenges and want unbiased guidance on money and marriage, send me an email today. There is nothing like feeling trapped and not being able to get help. I know it hurts.

I must admit I could not pass this one up. When I began reading this morning, this news story caught my attention from Deseret News: Mom: Holy Matrimony! Is it a circus or a wedding?

This article shares how a lot goes into planning the big day everything from elaborate floral arrangements to inspecting menus and not to mention the bridal magazines. Yet, very little goes into planning for the marriage. This article read “A marriage is worth celebrating, but things have gotten out of hand.”

I believe that when you are planning for a wedding, it should be kept in good taste and not cause a financial upheaval to either party. The size of the wedding and the amount of money spent does not equate to a successful marriage. It only says look at us, this is the amount of money we spent on our daughter’s wedding.

Recommendation: To help your son or daughter, share one financial tip with them that you wish you had known before you got married.