Money Mgmt Skills For Brides

Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

Today we are going to wrap up the Budget conscious bride and the paying parent. I know the first two days were heavy. When you are planning a wedding and about to enter into marriage you must look at the BIG picture and all of those affected. Yes your parents can be happy for you; let’s face it there could be some mom’s living through their daughter’s WEDDING! It is your wedding and this day should be the way you want it without REGRETS. Okay that is another post for another time.

What recommendations can you offer the parent if you say no to the financial assistance for your wedding? Well, I am glad you asked the question because yes you are getting married AND not BUT AND after the wedding COMES the MARRIAGE. What do most couples want once they are married …. a HOUSE! Let’s get right into some recommendations for your MARRIAGE:

(1) Ask the parent(s) to give you the money to put towards a down payment on a house.

(2) Ask them to pay off a credit card.

(3) I remember we had gotten a gift certificate to a Bed and Breakfast that we used on our first anniversary. All we had to do was pack, get in the car and go. Everything was taken care of when we arrived.

(4) Ask them to pay off a smaller student loan.

(5) Since the bride and groom are budget conscious about their wedding,  give them the gift of premarital financial counseling before they get married so they know what they are getting themselves into.

Any of these will say the parent(s) understand after the wedding, the bride and groom are married. There are different situations that occur during marriage and they are assisting in getting the marriage off on sound footing without creating unnecessary tension and stress only days after the honeymoon.

Come back tomorrow as we discuss more about Dynamics of Parent(s) when it comes to a wedding.

I was sitting here this morning and began thinking about what is important to couples. When couples get married, they think about the white picket fence and living happily ever after. They do not plan for those challenges that present along the way. One of the biggest challenges that happen are money issues. Let’s face it, we all know that money is one of the top reasons for divorce.

If you are like me and have read story after story in the media where couples are arguing about money and couples that were going to divorce but are staying together because they could not afford it says that money is an important issue that can and does threaten a marriage. It threatens a marriage because people are not talking about it before walking down the aisle or even afterwards until a situation arise.

Sure you can walk down the aisle knowing that you have some financial issues that have not been disclosed. That choice in itself when the money issues are revealed can threaten your marriage regardless of the length of time of your marriage. Money fights can lead to financial stress and strain, blame game, even going to bed at night mad with each other and we know they can lead to divorce.

What will you choose today? Money fights or Answers on discussing money throughout marriage?? You don’t have to be like the norm. Your marriage and money can work - stand up for yourself and your marriage.

Do you realize that if you do not value your money and marriage relationship, more than likely no one else will either? Why do I say that? How many people have approached you that were in a position to teach you about talking about money and marriage issues? Really take some time to think about this - during an engagement you meet with many professionals - florists, caterers, people in bridal shops, venue, wedding officiants, premarital counselors and more.

Has anyone broached the subject of financial communication with you? While you are choosing those flowers and spending money for the wedding day, what are your thoughts about the day after and the next day and the next day. Sure you should have a beautiful wedding. In ADDITION to that, I say, let’s have a marriage that is ready to handle any financial challenge that is presented. Let’s have a husband and wife that will not point the blame or be ready to call it quits when the first financial obstacle arises.

Finances is a topic that people are not comfortable talking about. Why you ask? Because most people have made their own mistakes and do not want people to know about it. People are also taking it for granted that the bride and groom already know about finances when in actuality, some brides and grooms do not even discuss finances until after they have said “I Do” and a problem presents itself. I want you to know about the mistakes I made, especially if it can keep you from repeating them and keep you from going through what I went through. My husband and I came to our marriage with at least $30,000 in debt. We cleaned up our debt (making approx $20,000 a year total) in two and a half years without filing bankruptcy.

I am comfortable sharing and happy to share. I will tell you the good, bad and ugly. Not afraid and will not hold back. Now you know me, willing to provide answers and a program that you can use throughout the lifetime of your marriage. When you do not openly communicate about finances look at this chain of events that happen:

Financial problem begins - arguing starts - finger point ensues - husbands and wives stop talking to each other - go to bed mad - work performance begins to deteriorate and it continues from there.

Take this opportunity to not even be in this chain. Invest in your marriage today. If you are a parent, invest in your son or daughter’s marriage. Do you know it is very hard for an adult son or daughter to come to a parent and ask for money? Give the one gift that no one else is giving - financial education for a marriage.

Go to www.DebtAtTheAltar.com for your premarital financial education program.

Money for some reason continues to be a taboo subject. People do not want to talk about it until they are faced with a situation. Unfortunately waiting until their is a crisis can lead to even more issues versus reducing the problem.

When there is hidden debt - it can lead to divorce, overspending, bankruptcy and even separation. The cost of financial infidelity results in:
1) Arguments
2) Hasty Decisions
3) Separation
4) Going to bed hurt, mad
5) Silence throughout the marriage on the subject of money
6) Fingerpointing - when in all actuality both are responsible
7) Decline in work performance

Whether you are reading this as a parent, clergy, relative or even the couple themself - we all know couples that could have benefited from premarital financial guidance resulting in learning how to talk about money. Yet, we take for granted that these couples are talking when in actuality most are not.
What is the benefit for allowing a couple to walk down the aisle without giving them tools to aid their marriage beyond the wedding day?

Financial transparency during the engagement leads to a stronger marital relationship and continued transparency. Financial transparency provides:
1) Trust in the marriage
2) Mutual financial goals
3) Long-term plans for the relationship
4) Healthy financial boundaries that both agree to
5) Greater intimacy in the relationship
6) No stress
7) Work performance excels and could lead to more promotions
Planning fabulous vacations without financial worries
9) Preparation for becoming a family with children
10) Discussing and setting a goal for affordable homeownership
11)Times where you can splurge without concern
12)Opportunity to learn from previous financial mistakes and grow together
13)Taking responsibility as adults and much more…..

Can you put a price tag on financial transparency? The value of it far outweighs any cost. The cost of financial infidelity costs and leaves a bad taste in people’s mouths regarding relationships.

What will you choose today? How do you want your marriage to play on the screen in your head?

All too often we hear about these stories in the news where men are killing women and money is a factor. There have been even more stories since the economy change where men have killed their entire families and some of the causes was being overwhelmed by their debt. I ask you how much debt does it take for people to act out character. Let’s review:

Remember the Laci Peterson case with Scott Peterson. Prosecutors said that he killed his wife and unborn child due to increasing debt and a desire to be free from obligations.

Second case that I found was the April Greer case who was murdered by her boyfriend, Jerry Lynn Stuart, Jr. Not really clear as to why he murdered her, but according to the post I read on thegreatseparation.com - Stuart’s troubled childhood of abuse and poverty created a personality disorder that was triggered when he found out Greer was being unfaithful.

Now we have the Craigslist killer who is a young medical student with a fiancee. He has a $130,000 in student loans. I am wondering if he and his fiancee discussed finances. Sure she might have known he had student loans but maybe not the extent of his debt. This debt in my opinion caused him to take actions that he might not have otherwise taken.

I ask you, the parent do you truly know your son or daughter’s future spouse background? What does their financial picture look like? Do you even know your own son or daughter’s financial habits? Clearly in case after case, parents are heartbroken, cannot believe their son or daughter would behave this way. Yes they are grown ups, however it is apparent people still need to learn effective and regular communication about money in a relationship.

Think about the financial challenges you have had during your marriage. Would you want your son or daughter to struggle as you have? Let me encourage you while you are spending money on their wedding or anniversary gift, take a life long step and invest in their marriage. Provide them with the tools to teach them how to talk about money throughout the lifetime of their marriage. That is truly one gift that will change lives for the better and give them steps they can take together for the benefit of the marriage.

Communication is essential in all relationships. Being honest and willing to share upfront can prevent and relieve financial stress and strain before it gets to be unbearable.

Personally, I would not want our son or daughter being put at risk because of a lack of finances and their spouse feeling as if they have no other options. Think big picture beyond the wedding day and equip them to handle financial challenges that DO arise in marriage.

We have all heard that money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Whether that is a lack of money, overspending or even mismanaging - the bottom line is money is a crucial area in marriage that needs more attention. Not attention in the aspect of pointing the finger and assessing blame. But the kind of attention that you would give to your child, profession or even purchasing a car.

Everyday people are walking down the aisle without discussing their financial backgrounds. I have seen it firsthand engaged couples walk by my booth at a bridal show, pick up the material read and acknowledge that they need it and walk away without it. What does a marriage have to gain by a couple ignoring their financial mistakes? Result could be they end up becoming one of those divorce statistics. Why should they — when they knowingly chose not to discuss finances prior to marriage. Then once the financial picture is revealed they want out of the marriage.

What does that have to say about the husband or the wife? That when times get tough they will want to run instead of facing it head on together for the benefit of the marriage. Does it say they are not willing to accept responsibility for their individual financial mistakes which will cause them not to accept responsibility in other areas of their life? No one likes a person that shifts blame or accepts responsibility from their mistakes. One of the problems with this is that person continues to repeat their mistakes without growing and learning from them.

Marriage and money issues are not to be ignored. People have already done that and look where it has gotten them. I am sure just like me, you know a couple that did not talk about their finances with each other and ended up in divorce court. Take a stand for your relationship today.

I can imagine the look on your face as you read that title. Terms and conditions are three words that apply when preparing to walk down the aisle. Have you discussed with your bride-to-be the terms and conditions regarding her financial background? If you said no, then let me help you prepare for this initial conversation.

When we think of the word terms – it means words with precise meanings. When you are using the word terms in the context of money and marriage it could be used as follows: Hello Bride, let’s discuss the terms in finances to see what they mean to you. Then you can begin going down a grocery list or checklist of terms such as bank, asset, liability, credit, debit, savings and withdrawal. With each word you want to discuss what they mean to her and how they apply to her life.

You might be surprised that for some people it will make them uncomfortable because it will seem that you are prying into an area that you have no right to ask questions. If you’re engaged, then this should raise a little bit of a red flag. What is with all the secrecy? It is important that you know what you are getting yourself into. I discourage you from saying “I Do” based on face value. When I say face value, I mean cuteness. Take the time to discuss the terms and conditions.

Speaking of conditions, now you want to ask what is the condition of your finances? Do you have debt? Are all of your bills paid on time? How many credit cards do you have? These four questions alone are enough to begin talking with each other about your financial information. True enough, it is a hard discussion to have; however when you begin, you will be so glad that you did.

There is no reason money should still be a taboo subject in 2009. Do not spend your time worrying about it and thinking about, it’s time to talk about it and take action. Once you are married if you have not discussed the terms and conditions prior to and find out about debt, this can upset the applecart as they say.

Take the time now to discuss the terms and conditions as you prepare to walk down the aisle. You will be amazed what openness and honesty about finances can do for a relationship, let alone an individual who was once in the dark about the other person’s finances. Let me encourage you to be on the side of your spouse, not against her. Establish a mutual understanding about the terms and conditions prior to beginning this discussion. The result can have lasting effects in your relationship.

I have been in the place of when you are out in public, it appears that everything is great. Yet, behind closed doors fear has taken over and stifled you from taking action.

Read with me:

It is April 2009, you are in a serious relationship and have been talking about marriage. You are ecstatic because you know this is the one. You have a job and are on your own. Someday soon you will be planning your wedding. From the outside you could not be happier.

At the end of your work day, you begin to drive home so you can relax. You get your mail, open the door to your apartment and close the door. You put everything away and if you are like me, I immediately get into my comfy (lounging) clothes.

You sit in the chair in front of the tv. All of a sudden, there is an unexpected knock at your door. You go to the door, through the peephole and do not see anyone. So you open the door to see if someone ran.

You don’t see anyone, so you close the door. Here is what happened. Hello, my name is fear and you have let me into your life. You have debt and because of me, you are not talking with your boyfriend or fiance’ about your financial issues. You continue to go to work and stressing about your finances while you work.

There have been times when I have had co-workers come and talk to you about their own relationships. What they don’t realize is that I’ve entered their life as well because they are talking to people who are in the same situation - fussing and complaining versus being in a position to solve the challenges.

As long as I have a hold on you, you will not seek answers and you will walk down the aisle to say “I Do” with these vows ringing in your mind - Twist on Vows You had opportunity after opportunity to take action; however, you listened to me more.

I had you thinking your boyfriend or fiance’ would leave you if you communicated to him what was happening. Furthermore, I had you convinced you could not go to a family member because they would be disappointed in you. Therefore, you chose to do nothing and now you are potentially setting yourself up to become a divorce statistic.

Do not let fear grip you for another minute. Take a STAND for yourself, your future and your relationship. Can you afford to continue on the financial path you are already on? When you learn financial management, it impacts your life and the lives of many (family, friends, co-workers, etc.)

I know that title more than likely grabbed your attention. Great! A twitter friend, imarriage posted an article yesterday titled Goodbye to the Shared bank Account? Subtitle said When Money is tight, can you afford to be honest with your loved one? As a money and marriage advocate, happily married wife of 13 years, I should not have been surprised by what I read.

I was not so much surprised as I was sickened by the rationality of why they CHOSE to no longer share accounts. If you have been reading my blog or following me on twitter, you know I always say LOVE is a choice and not an emotion. Clearly in this article, they are driven by emotion. In my opinion, love says money being tight should draw us closer together and we should work together in achieving financial greatness in the midst of what is happening. Not literally say what is mine is mine, I have to have some leverage.

I recall reading about Ellen who said that her partner does not know exactly what she makes. Well why not? Her reasoning was that this keeps her from being dependent on anyone. Like knowing she could walk away at any time if she wanted to. Can someone please stand up and tell me where is it written that once you get married you lose yourself in your marriage? That you do not have any independence within the marriage? Whether I worked outside the home or even my own business, my husband knows what I make. Same is true for him. See we are committed to each other not MONEY! That is where I believe the focus has gotten skewed.

Believe this, when I say we both have independence that means if something happened to either one of us, the other could carry on and take care of the household and anything else that needed to be handled. It is a sad state when a woman feels the only way she can have independence is to be deceptive about finances. Deception does lead to destruction at one point or another. As I read this, they are already on the path to deception potentially destroying their marriage (if you can call it that).

One more area I want to address is the separate bank accounts. There are a couple of reasons that I can agree to a separate bank account in the beginning which are as follows: (1) If one of you have good credit and the other one has bad credit. Do not do anything joint until the other person’s credit is cleaned up. (2) Separate bank account for pampering the spouse so the money manager is not questioning the other person about expenses prior to a holiday or whatever day is being celebrated. Other than that, it should be a joint account. For example, my husband and I have a joint account and a separate account. The difference that is probably not the norm for most is we have access to all the accounts. But our separate accounts are primarily for pampering each other without explanation. That is our agreement. It is not a bail out of your marriage account which it sounds like the people in the above article have.

Let me caution the readers again - Money being tight should not lead to deception. Deception can eventually lead to destruction of your marriage which could end in divorce. Do not put the tools in place to destroy your marriage even before it begins. Love is a choice and says I will love you rich or poor, good and bad times, employed, unemployed - whether we are eating steak or raamen. Do not let anything become bigger than your marriage. LOVE is a CHOICE!

Many people go into marriage with rose colored glasses on. It’s almost as if we have been programmed to believe in the happy ever after without doing any of the work. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that marriage is hard because I am not. What I am saying is that you have to be truthful with yourself about love, money, and your relationship.

If you read my post about twist on vows, knew that it was your situation and denied it, what does that solve? Let’s remember money has been a taboo subject for a very long time which has caused more problems. Personally - it led to my making bad financial decisions because I was not taught about money management, caused debt and more. Once I met my future groom - he had made financial choices as well that were less than stellar.

While we were dating we talked with each other honestly about our “bad” financial choices, so we knew what we were getting ourselves into. It was not easy sharing about mistakes we made individually, especially not knowing if this information could cause them to leave. Know this, if they love you for you and not money - it should not. This should cause them to step back and say they love me enough to be honest with me about a tough subject.

This opens a door of communication and trust like you would not believe. Don’t you want to be able to communicate about finances without stress and arguments. Do not be in denial about your relationship and finances. I am very familiar with not wanting anyone to know the struggles or pain. Once again that does not lead to solutions. Love yourself and your soon to be spouse enough to take action.

Take it from me, a happily married wife of 13 years - money in marriage does not have to be denied, difficult nor destructive. You can take control and make a new financial start.