Money Mgmt Skills For Brides

Posts Tagged ‘love’

Do you realize that if you do not value your money and marriage relationship, more than likely no one else will either? Why do I say that? How many people have approached you that were in a position to teach you about talking about money and marriage issues? Really take some time to think about this - during an engagement you meet with many professionals - florists, caterers, people in bridal shops, venue, wedding officiants, premarital counselors and more.

Has anyone broached the subject of financial communication with you? While you are choosing those flowers and spending money for the wedding day, what are your thoughts about the day after and the next day and the next day. Sure you should have a beautiful wedding. In ADDITION to that, I say, let’s have a marriage that is ready to handle any financial challenge that is presented. Let’s have a husband and wife that will not point the blame or be ready to call it quits when the first financial obstacle arises.

Finances is a topic that people are not comfortable talking about. Why you ask? Because most people have made their own mistakes and do not want people to know about it. People are also taking it for granted that the bride and groom already know about finances when in actuality, some brides and grooms do not even discuss finances until after they have said “I Do” and a problem presents itself. I want you to know about the mistakes I made, especially if it can keep you from repeating them and keep you from going through what I went through. My husband and I came to our marriage with at least $30,000 in debt. We cleaned up our debt (making approx $20,000 a year total) in two and a half years without filing bankruptcy.

I am comfortable sharing and happy to share. I will tell you the good, bad and ugly. Not afraid and will not hold back. Now you know me, willing to provide answers and a program that you can use throughout the lifetime of your marriage. When you do not openly communicate about finances look at this chain of events that happen:

Financial problem begins - arguing starts - finger point ensues - husbands and wives stop talking to each other - go to bed mad - work performance begins to deteriorate and it continues from there.

Take this opportunity to not even be in this chain. Invest in your marriage today. If you are a parent, invest in your son or daughter’s marriage. Do you know it is very hard for an adult son or daughter to come to a parent and ask for money? Give the one gift that no one else is giving - financial education for a marriage.

Go to www.DebtAtTheAltar.com for your premarital financial education program.

I have been in the place of when you are out in public, it appears that everything is great. Yet, behind closed doors fear has taken over and stifled you from taking action.

Read with me:

It is April 2009, you are in a serious relationship and have been talking about marriage. You are ecstatic because you know this is the one. You have a job and are on your own. Someday soon you will be planning your wedding. From the outside you could not be happier.

At the end of your work day, you begin to drive home so you can relax. You get your mail, open the door to your apartment and close the door. You put everything away and if you are like me, I immediately get into my comfy (lounging) clothes.

You sit in the chair in front of the tv. All of a sudden, there is an unexpected knock at your door. You go to the door, through the peephole and do not see anyone. So you open the door to see if someone ran.

You don’t see anyone, so you close the door. Here is what happened. Hello, my name is fear and you have let me into your life. You have debt and because of me, you are not talking with your boyfriend or fiance’ about your financial issues. You continue to go to work and stressing about your finances while you work.

There have been times when I have had co-workers come and talk to you about their own relationships. What they don’t realize is that I’ve entered their life as well because they are talking to people who are in the same situation - fussing and complaining versus being in a position to solve the challenges.

As long as I have a hold on you, you will not seek answers and you will walk down the aisle to say “I Do” with these vows ringing in your mind - Twist on Vows You had opportunity after opportunity to take action; however, you listened to me more.

I had you thinking your boyfriend or fiance’ would leave you if you communicated to him what was happening. Furthermore, I had you convinced you could not go to a family member because they would be disappointed in you. Therefore, you chose to do nothing and now you are potentially setting yourself up to become a divorce statistic.

Do not let fear grip you for another minute. Take a STAND for yourself, your future and your relationship. Can you afford to continue on the financial path you are already on? When you learn financial management, it impacts your life and the lives of many (family, friends, co-workers, etc.)

I know that title more than likely grabbed your attention. Great! A twitter friend, imarriage posted an article yesterday titled Goodbye to the Shared bank Account? Subtitle said When Money is tight, can you afford to be honest with your loved one? As a money and marriage advocate, happily married wife of 13 years, I should not have been surprised by what I read.

I was not so much surprised as I was sickened by the rationality of why they CHOSE to no longer share accounts. If you have been reading my blog or following me on twitter, you know I always say LOVE is a choice and not an emotion. Clearly in this article, they are driven by emotion. In my opinion, love says money being tight should draw us closer together and we should work together in achieving financial greatness in the midst of what is happening. Not literally say what is mine is mine, I have to have some leverage.

I recall reading about Ellen who said that her partner does not know exactly what she makes. Well why not? Her reasoning was that this keeps her from being dependent on anyone. Like knowing she could walk away at any time if she wanted to. Can someone please stand up and tell me where is it written that once you get married you lose yourself in your marriage? That you do not have any independence within the marriage? Whether I worked outside the home or even my own business, my husband knows what I make. Same is true for him. See we are committed to each other not MONEY! That is where I believe the focus has gotten skewed.

Believe this, when I say we both have independence that means if something happened to either one of us, the other could carry on and take care of the household and anything else that needed to be handled. It is a sad state when a woman feels the only way she can have independence is to be deceptive about finances. Deception does lead to destruction at one point or another. As I read this, they are already on the path to deception potentially destroying their marriage (if you can call it that).

One more area I want to address is the separate bank accounts. There are a couple of reasons that I can agree to a separate bank account in the beginning which are as follows: (1) If one of you have good credit and the other one has bad credit. Do not do anything joint until the other person’s credit is cleaned up. (2) Separate bank account for pampering the spouse so the money manager is not questioning the other person about expenses prior to a holiday or whatever day is being celebrated. Other than that, it should be a joint account. For example, my husband and I have a joint account and a separate account. The difference that is probably not the norm for most is we have access to all the accounts. But our separate accounts are primarily for pampering each other without explanation. That is our agreement. It is not a bail out of your marriage account which it sounds like the people in the above article have.

Let me caution the readers again - Money being tight should not lead to deception. Deception can eventually lead to destruction of your marriage which could end in divorce. Do not put the tools in place to destroy your marriage even before it begins. Love is a choice and says I will love you rich or poor, good and bad times, employed, unemployed - whether we are eating steak or raamen. Do not let anything become bigger than your marriage. LOVE is a CHOICE!

Many people go into marriage with rose colored glasses on. It’s almost as if we have been programmed to believe in the happy ever after without doing any of the work. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that marriage is hard because I am not. What I am saying is that you have to be truthful with yourself about love, money, and your relationship.

If you read my post about twist on vows, knew that it was your situation and denied it, what does that solve? Let’s remember money has been a taboo subject for a very long time which has caused more problems. Personally - it led to my making bad financial decisions because I was not taught about money management, caused debt and more. Once I met my future groom - he had made financial choices as well that were less than stellar.

While we were dating we talked with each other honestly about our “bad” financial choices, so we knew what we were getting ourselves into. It was not easy sharing about mistakes we made individually, especially not knowing if this information could cause them to leave. Know this, if they love you for you and not money - it should not. This should cause them to step back and say they love me enough to be honest with me about a tough subject.

This opens a door of communication and trust like you would not believe. Don’t you want to be able to communicate about finances without stress and arguments. Do not be in denial about your relationship and finances. I am very familiar with not wanting anyone to know the struggles or pain. Once again that does not lead to solutions. Love yourself and your soon to be spouse enough to take action.

Take it from me, a happily married wife of 13 years - money in marriage does not have to be denied, difficult nor destructive. You can take control and make a new financial start.

The financial picture is very significant to every relationship. The idea and plan should be to walk down the aisle already having a financial plan and working it. You do not want to get caught up in the wedding planning and have not thought beyond the wedding day. That is one of my main reasons for recommending you establish a financial foundation for your household first.

After you have established your financial foundation, then the research can begin as to what type of wedding it is that you and your fiancé would like to have within your financial parameters. I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open with your soon to be groom about the finances but not to the point of overwhelming him or causing him reason for concern. You can share that you have everything under control where you believe both of you will be happy with the result and it will not cause strain on your relationship nor marriage.

Share with him the fun things that you are doing for the two of you that he will be able to appreciate. These warm thoughts will ensure that he has a partner in deed instead of someone that is only marrying him for his money. One of the goals while you are preparing for your wedding is to think about the big picture. What is it you would like to see beyond the wedding day for your marriage and money? With that thought in mind, I encourage you to have fun planning and take it one day at a time.

If you need additional help go to : http://debtatthealtar.com/military-spouse-deployment-and-finances/

When two people fall in love and make a commitment to one another, they pledge they will “Love” each other for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse. Well, a topic that should not have to be discussed but I will in this post is “When Her Income is Higher”

We are all aware that money is a topic that is still somewhat taboo; however, when it comes to the wife having a higher income it can do strange things to people when it should not. I am going to share with you a few scenarios of what can happen.

Couple 1 – Wife’s income is higher than husband’s income and everything is right with the world. They knew this going into their relationship that it was this way and it did not make the husband feel any less of a man. Nor did the wife make him feel as if he was beneath her.

Couple 2 – Wife’s income is higher than the husband and he has a problem with it. She has not said anything to him about it. However, his male ego is bruised because he was raised that he is supposed to bring home the bacon. So he has an inner war with himself going on which leads him to say things to the wife that make her feel guilty about the success she has achieved. Tip: This could affect more than just their relationship also her work performance could begin to deteriorate because she is torn between her relationship and now her job.

Couple 3 – Wife’s income is higher than her husband and she treats him as such. She talks down to him and tears down his self-esteem. This particular wife constantly reminds him that she makes more, her income is providing for the household and the “toys” that he likes. She makes side comments about it when her family is around. This husband begins to feel unappreciated and could eventually begin to come home later and later. He does not want to hear how he is not pulling his weight. Tip: When you talk down to your spouse, it affects your overall relationship, income, employment and family. If you paint a picture of your spouse that is derogatory to your family, you will not be able to erase it.

Couple 4 – This is my favorite couple. The husband’s income starts out being higher. Three years into their marriage, it changes and the wife’s income is higher. This husband and wife continue to work together. Their focus is at the end of the day as long as the bills are paid, it works for them. Incidentally throughout this couples marriage it continues to flip/flop and either way it does not interfere with their goals. Tip: When your marriage is based on love which is not an emotion, it should not matter about the size of the income. Motto: Work hard together and play hard together. As long as the household is taken care of, it should not matter.

Communication about money before and continuing in marriage is very important. This is a discussion that should be had so that everyone knows where they stand. Time to reveal, my husband and I are Couple 4. We love it because we support each other in everything we do. In marriage and life, you have to know how to be flexible and not so stringent.

If you have questions on this or money and marriage, send me an email.