Money Mgmt Skills For Brides

Posts Tagged ‘fiance’

Today we are going to wrap up the Budget conscious bride and the paying parent. I know the first two days were heavy. When you are planning a wedding and about to enter into marriage you must look at the BIG picture and all of those affected. Yes your parents can be happy for you; let’s face it there could be some mom’s living through their daughter’s WEDDING! It is your wedding and this day should be the way you want it without REGRETS. Okay that is another post for another time.

What recommendations can you offer the parent if you say no to the financial assistance for your wedding? Well, I am glad you asked the question because yes you are getting married AND not BUT AND after the wedding COMES the MARRIAGE. What do most couples want once they are married …. a HOUSE! Let’s get right into some recommendations for your MARRIAGE:

(1) Ask the parent(s) to give you the money to put towards a down payment on a house.

(2) Ask them to pay off a credit card.

(3) I remember we had gotten a gift certificate to a Bed and Breakfast that we used on our first anniversary. All we had to do was pack, get in the car and go. Everything was taken care of when we arrived.

(4) Ask them to pay off a smaller student loan.

(5) Since the bride and groom are budget conscious about their wedding,  give them the gift of premarital financial counseling before they get married so they know what they are getting themselves into.

Any of these will say the parent(s) understand after the wedding, the bride and groom are married. There are different situations that occur during marriage and they are assisting in getting the marriage off on sound footing without creating unnecessary tension and stress only days after the honeymoon.

Come back tomorrow as we discuss more about Dynamics of Parent(s) when it comes to a wedding.

Yesterday we discussed how you had everything planned. You and your fiance had talked about the dream wedding down to agreeing up on budget for your wedding. As soon as you let out a sigh of relief knowing that you had dotted all the i’s and crossed all the t’s, enter in the paying parent(s) saying they want to pay for a part of your wedding.

Not only do they want to pay for a part of the wedding, they want to change the venue and add an additional 100 to 200 guests to your wedding. You and your fiance had decided on a wedding that included 150 guests max. When we left the question was how do you handle a paying parent(s) as a daughter in the process of becoming a wife?

Dynamics are already in the process of changing and this must be thought out in detail.  Below are things to consider:

(1) Do you cave to your parents wishes and go over budget! Caution:  Is the message you want to send your fiance “NOW” in the midst of wedding plans that your parent(s) wishes come before his, thereby disregarding what the two of you agreed upon.

(2) Figure out a way to compromise with your parents so that all involved are happy whether that means they get to choose the venue or invite half of their friends and colleagues will be something that should be decided among all involved. Caution:  This message says you are into pleasing everyone which you cannot do. This does not mean for one second you should not compromise. Understand what you are saying yes to and what you are saying no to.

(3) Tell your parent(s) thank you. However, they have raised a budget conscious young woman whose about to become a wife. As you and your fiance have agreed on a budget for the wedding that the two of you can afford. You ask them to understand your choice to stay within your budget that is already established. You do not want to create debt for your wedding nor cause your fiance to think that what you agreed to does not matter once they enter the picture. Ensure they know you love them and appreciate their wanting to contribute. Caution:  There are some parents that might be upset because it will seem as if they are not in control. However, in the long run they should be proud of your financial choices.

Come back tomorrow for Part 3 which will provide recommendations for Parental Financial Help.

Love is in the Air. You are engaged and have begun having talks with your fiance about “Your Dream Wedding.” This is a special time in your life that you have dreamed about for years. Now you are engaged and this is your opportunity for you and your fiance to make that dream a reality.

Let’s face it even before this day, you were looking at Bridal magazines to see waht all the latest styles were. It is important to you to have “The DRESS” that will make a statement, make all those in attendance “ooh and aah”. A wedding dress that no one will forget and talk about for years.  One that when you look back on your wedding pictures, all the memories come flooding and your eyes began to tear because it was such a special day in your life.  It doesn’t matter that you have the dress in the closet.

You are preparing to attend several bridal shows and are quite excited about the memories that are being created even in this process. True enough, the economy has caused brides to evaluate chioces when it comes to the wedding. Take a closer look at venues, caterers, florists, number of guests and soo much more.

You and your fiance have sat down and established a “DOABLE Realistic” budget that you both agree to and are happy about. The “MUST HAVES” are on the list and there are even several items that you have discussed and compromised on. You let out a sigh of relief because you believe you have thought of everything until ……. (DRUM ROLL)…. your parent(s) decide to pay for part of the wedding.

Over the next few weeks the parent(s) go through your guest list, ask you about the venue and want to know all the details of what you have planned for your “Dream Wedding.”  You are politely told the venue you and your fiance have chosen is not going to work because there are an additional 100 to 200 of their closest colleagues and friends that would like to invite. 

Before this discussion, you were all set on venue, number of guests not to mention you and your fiance agreed on a budget believing the two of you were paying for the wedding.  The wedding is months away and several things are set in motion. How do you handle a paying parent(s)? This is crucial because it sets the tone for your parental relationship and your marriage.

Weigh in. Come back tomorrow for part 2. This entire week will be devoted to Parents and a Wedding.

Congratulations you are with the one you love. It is safe to say you have spent a lot of time together getting to know each other. You are engaged and planning the wedding of a life time. I remember exhibiting at bridal shows and all the brides going from booth to booth with family members and friends discussing specific items. It warmed my heart as I thought about these couples preparing to open a new chapter in their life.

As you are beginning this new chapter, I would prefer that you walk down that aisle with insight versus being in the dark. Before I continue, there are some of you that might believe you are prepared and could say “I Do” right now. We are about to find out. Understand this part will be fun but there is a serious side to it. Do not discount what you write. I ask that you be honest as you answer the question.

The purpose of this exercise is to open your eyes in an area that is one of the leading causes of divorce. It is to make you truthfully look at yourself and recognize where you could need some help and be more forthcoming about your financial picture.

If you have 5 or more yes answers then you are an Asset to yourself, will be the same in your marriage and will more than likely not keep financial secrets.

If you have 5 or more no answers then you are a Liability to yourself and will be the same in your marriage if you do not take steps to become a better financially oriented person.

If you have an equal number of yes and no answers, then you are in the middle of the road. You probably would benefit from some additional unbiased guidance to ensure you enter into your marriage with a goal of financial success and not failure.

Take out a sheet of paper and number from 1 to 10. Then write Y or N beside it after you read the question.

Are You An Asset or Liability?

(1) You have talked with your fiancé about your debt? Yes or No

(2) You have always paid your bills on time? Yes or No

(3) You believe that you and your fiancé should have separate accounts once married? Yes or No

(4) You know how to talk about money during engagement? Yes or No

(5) You have managed money well as a young adult? Yes or No

(6) You are a shopper and your fiancé has no idea? Yes or No

(7) If your fiancé lost his job once married, you would stay the course? Yes or No

(8) Would you be willing to share with your fiancé what you are being paid? Yes or No

(9) You would admit to your fiancé if you had a previous bankruptcy? Yes or No

(10) If your fiancé is bringing debt to the marriage, will you still marry him? Yes or No

(11) Do you believe that financial mistakes can be forgiven? Yes or No

(12) Would you keep financial secrets from your fiancé? Yes or No

Did you wind up being an Asset or a Liability? An asset means useful or desirable thing.
When you enter into your marital relationship even in the beginning you should be an asset bringing value. Or did you wind up being a liability which means debt owed. If you are a liability, you can take positive steps to change that for yourself and your relationship.

The above questions are to help you focus on a very important part of marriage. This was an eye opener and know that The Debt CAN Stop At The Altar. This tool can help you even face the reality that you need to begin talking with your fiancé about money even if you find it painful.

I have been in the place of when you are out in public, it appears that everything is great. Yet, behind closed doors fear has taken over and stifled you from taking action.

Read with me:

It is April 2009, you are in a serious relationship and have been talking about marriage. You are ecstatic because you know this is the one. You have a job and are on your own. Someday soon you will be planning your wedding. From the outside you could not be happier.

At the end of your work day, you begin to drive home so you can relax. You get your mail, open the door to your apartment and close the door. You put everything away and if you are like me, I immediately get into my comfy (lounging) clothes.

You sit in the chair in front of the tv. All of a sudden, there is an unexpected knock at your door. You go to the door, through the peephole and do not see anyone. So you open the door to see if someone ran.

You don’t see anyone, so you close the door. Here is what happened. Hello, my name is fear and you have let me into your life. You have debt and because of me, you are not talking with your boyfriend or fiance’ about your financial issues. You continue to go to work and stressing about your finances while you work.

There have been times when I have had co-workers come and talk to you about their own relationships. What they don’t realize is that I’ve entered their life as well because they are talking to people who are in the same situation - fussing and complaining versus being in a position to solve the challenges.

As long as I have a hold on you, you will not seek answers and you will walk down the aisle to say “I Do” with these vows ringing in your mind - Twist on Vows You had opportunity after opportunity to take action; however, you listened to me more.

I had you thinking your boyfriend or fiance’ would leave you if you communicated to him what was happening. Furthermore, I had you convinced you could not go to a family member because they would be disappointed in you. Therefore, you chose to do nothing and now you are potentially setting yourself up to become a divorce statistic.

Do not let fear grip you for another minute. Take a STAND for yourself, your future and your relationship. Can you afford to continue on the financial path you are already on? When you learn financial management, it impacts your life and the lives of many (family, friends, co-workers, etc.)

My fiance has debt and I don’t, what do I do? Do I marry him or do I call off the wedding because of his debt? I am sure this is a thought in the mind of several brides who have found out that her fiance has debt.
Before you panic, let me say I am happy for you that you found out before you walked down the aisle. Now brace yourself for what I am about to share.

One of the first things to consider is your fiance told you about his debt. That is a plus in his favor because he did not try to hide it. Second, does your fiance have a plan to pay off his debt and is he working that plan? Or is he saying to you, I have debt and I want you to know that I do not know how to clean it up. I would like you to help me.

I am sure you will agree it is commendable if your fiance has a plan and is working his plan. That does not warrant your calling off the wedding. This says he is being honest with you and wants you to know what you are in for when you say “I Do” at the altar.

If he does not have a plan but is saying to you I have debt and I don’t know how to clean it up, but I am asking you for your help. That is very commendable as well. Why you might ask? First and foremost, it is generally hard for people to ask for help from someone they are very close too. Trust me, it took a lot for him to do this if that is what he is doing. This too is not a reason to call off the wedding. As a matter of fact, this gives you and your groom an opportunity to have more candid talks about finances and establish a healthy financial foundation for your household while you implement a plan to clean up his debt.

Where I would be cautious about walking down the aisle if is you have a fiance that has debt, does not have a job (does not want one) and is continuously spending money that seems to miraculously appear out of the sky. Reason: If a person in debt continues to shop adding more bills they are digging themselves in deeper which could lead to more situations once you are married.

This is a person that might not want to change old habits that are detrimental to the relationship. Remember this, you cannot make a person change. A person has to want to change their habits or thinking on their own for the betterment of themselves first and then their families.

Recommendation: If your fiance has debt and told you, you have a wonderful opportunity to begin the “Money Talk” and show some compassion. We all make mistakes. The goal is to learn from them not repeat them.

The financial picture is very significant to every relationship. The idea and plan should be to walk down the aisle already having a financial plan and working it. You do not want to get caught up in the wedding planning and have not thought beyond the wedding day. That is one of my main reasons for recommending you establish a financial foundation for your household first.

After you have established your financial foundation, then the research can begin as to what type of wedding it is that you and your fiancé would like to have within your financial parameters. I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open with your soon to be groom about the finances but not to the point of overwhelming him or causing him reason for concern. You can share that you have everything under control where you believe both of you will be happy with the result and it will not cause strain on your relationship nor marriage.

Share with him the fun things that you are doing for the two of you that he will be able to appreciate. These warm thoughts will ensure that he has a partner in deed instead of someone that is only marrying him for his money. One of the goals while you are preparing for your wedding is to think about the big picture. What is it you would like to see beyond the wedding day for your marriage and money? With that thought in mind, I encourage you to have fun planning and take it one day at a time.

If you need additional help go to : http://debtatthealtar.com/military-spouse-deployment-and-finances/

If your groom has said to you he wants to call of the wedding because of debt, do your best not to panic. I say do your best not to panic because you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk so that you truly understand what he is saying. What he said could be misinterpreted and heartbreaking if you are not willing to get to the truth. Here is what you need to find out:

1) Is he saying he wants to call off the wedding because of the debt that is being created, yet he still wants to marry you but would prefer to go to the courthouse? If this is what he is saying that should give you some relief. This means that he is not willing to incur more debt for a wedding and does not want to be overwhelmed from the start. See it as a positive move and not negative.

2) Or is he saying that he already has debt and wants to call off the wedding because he sees a pattern that he is not comfortable with? What I mean by pattern is maybe something that is happening with planning the wedding is reminiscent of something he did on his own and he does not want to repeat it. Once again, it is important that you sit down with him before you jump to conclusions and find out what he means. Even in the instance he wants to marry you but does not want to add his already existing debt.

3) Could he be saying I am calling off the wedding because I have debt, you have debt and I do not think this is the time for us to get married? This could be possible; however without truly asking the question you can get yourself all worked up for no reason. If this does end up being what he is saying, take the time to truly understand where he is coming from. Recognize that debt brings out unexpected character in people.

I am sure you know as well as I do that one of the top reasons for divorce is money. If your fiancé is saying he wants to call off the wedding, I encourage you to sit down and talk with him and find out his reason. You ask him, not your friends or parents. Truly hear what he is saying and do not jump to conclusions. I am not saying he should call it off or he should not. It is very important that you listen to what he is saying. Communication is key in a marriage as well as money management. Open and honest communication about the money is what makes a relationship work.