Money Mgmt Skills For Brides

Posts Tagged ‘commitment’

For the last couple of weeks, I have been reminded in email from various people that peak wedding season is fast approaching. It is and one thing that remains true is this if brides and grooms do not discuss money before walking down the aisle, when money problems rear its ugly head there are a lot of couples that do not make it.

What are some of the common responses when money problems rear its ugly head? Continue reading:

1) Couples begin the blame game. Saying it is one another’s fault. Fault belongs to both if you chose not to discuss money prior to walking down the aisle.

2) Those same people that were at the wedding who were proud will be some of those same ones whispering that they didn’t think you would make it anyway.

3) There will be another group of people that stand on the side and say its too bad that they could not make it.

4) Silence becomes the norm in the relationship because the stress is so heavy.

5) Once silence sets in you continue being divided about financial issues.

Who will be responsible for your marriage becoming another number in the divorce statistic? If you are reading this and your wedding is days or weeks away, it’s not too late to begin The Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk. Get your copy today. Investing in money communication will be of more value to you than a blender, microwave or some other gift.

We have all heard that money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Whether that is a lack of money, overspending or even mismanaging - the bottom line is money is a crucial area in marriage that needs more attention. Not attention in the aspect of pointing the finger and assessing blame. But the kind of attention that you would give to your child, profession or even purchasing a car.

Everyday people are walking down the aisle without discussing their financial backgrounds. I have seen it firsthand engaged couples walk by my booth at a bridal show, pick up the material read and acknowledge that they need it and walk away without it. What does a marriage have to gain by a couple ignoring their financial mistakes? Result could be they end up becoming one of those divorce statistics. Why should they — when they knowingly chose not to discuss finances prior to marriage. Then once the financial picture is revealed they want out of the marriage.

What does that have to say about the husband or the wife? That when times get tough they will want to run instead of facing it head on together for the benefit of the marriage. Does it say they are not willing to accept responsibility for their individual financial mistakes which will cause them not to accept responsibility in other areas of their life? No one likes a person that shifts blame or accepts responsibility from their mistakes. One of the problems with this is that person continues to repeat their mistakes without growing and learning from them.

Marriage and money issues are not to be ignored. People have already done that and look where it has gotten them. I am sure just like me, you know a couple that did not talk about their finances with each other and ended up in divorce court. Take a stand for your relationship today.

Congratulations you are with the one you love. It is safe to say you have spent a lot of time together getting to know each other. You are engaged and planning the wedding of a life time. I remember exhibiting at bridal shows and all the brides going from booth to booth with family members and friends discussing specific items. It warmed my heart as I thought about these couples preparing to open a new chapter in their life.

As you are beginning this new chapter, I would prefer that you walk down that aisle with insight versus being in the dark. Before I continue, there are some of you that might believe you are prepared and could say “I Do” right now. We are about to find out. Understand this part will be fun but there is a serious side to it. Do not discount what you write. I ask that you be honest as you answer the question.

The purpose of this exercise is to open your eyes in an area that is one of the leading causes of divorce. It is to make you truthfully look at yourself and recognize where you could need some help and be more forthcoming about your financial picture.

If you have 5 or more yes answers then you are an Asset to yourself, will be the same in your marriage and will more than likely not keep financial secrets.

If you have 5 or more no answers then you are a Liability to yourself and will be the same in your marriage if you do not take steps to become a better financially oriented person.

If you have an equal number of yes and no answers, then you are in the middle of the road. You probably would benefit from some additional unbiased guidance to ensure you enter into your marriage with a goal of financial success and not failure.

Take out a sheet of paper and number from 1 to 10. Then write Y or N beside it after you read the question.

Are You An Asset or Liability?

(1) You have talked with your fiancé about your debt? Yes or No

(2) You have always paid your bills on time? Yes or No

(3) You believe that you and your fiancé should have separate accounts once married? Yes or No

(4) You know how to talk about money during engagement? Yes or No

(5) You have managed money well as a young adult? Yes or No

(6) You are a shopper and your fiancé has no idea? Yes or No

(7) If your fiancé lost his job once married, you would stay the course? Yes or No

(8) Would you be willing to share with your fiancé what you are being paid? Yes or No

(9) You would admit to your fiancé if you had a previous bankruptcy? Yes or No

(10) If your fiancé is bringing debt to the marriage, will you still marry him? Yes or No

(11) Do you believe that financial mistakes can be forgiven? Yes or No

(12) Would you keep financial secrets from your fiancé? Yes or No

Did you wind up being an Asset or a Liability? An asset means useful or desirable thing.
When you enter into your marital relationship even in the beginning you should be an asset bringing value. Or did you wind up being a liability which means debt owed. If you are a liability, you can take positive steps to change that for yourself and your relationship.

The above questions are to help you focus on a very important part of marriage. This was an eye opener and know that The Debt CAN Stop At The Altar. This tool can help you even face the reality that you need to begin talking with your fiancé about money even if you find it painful.

I know that title more than likely grabbed your attention. Great! A twitter friend, imarriage posted an article yesterday titled Goodbye to the Shared bank Account? Subtitle said When Money is tight, can you afford to be honest with your loved one? As a money and marriage advocate, happily married wife of 13 years, I should not have been surprised by what I read.

I was not so much surprised as I was sickened by the rationality of why they CHOSE to no longer share accounts. If you have been reading my blog or following me on twitter, you know I always say LOVE is a choice and not an emotion. Clearly in this article, they are driven by emotion. In my opinion, love says money being tight should draw us closer together and we should work together in achieving financial greatness in the midst of what is happening. Not literally say what is mine is mine, I have to have some leverage.

I recall reading about Ellen who said that her partner does not know exactly what she makes. Well why not? Her reasoning was that this keeps her from being dependent on anyone. Like knowing she could walk away at any time if she wanted to. Can someone please stand up and tell me where is it written that once you get married you lose yourself in your marriage? That you do not have any independence within the marriage? Whether I worked outside the home or even my own business, my husband knows what I make. Same is true for him. See we are committed to each other not MONEY! That is where I believe the focus has gotten skewed.

Believe this, when I say we both have independence that means if something happened to either one of us, the other could carry on and take care of the household and anything else that needed to be handled. It is a sad state when a woman feels the only way she can have independence is to be deceptive about finances. Deception does lead to destruction at one point or another. As I read this, they are already on the path to deception potentially destroying their marriage (if you can call it that).

One more area I want to address is the separate bank accounts. There are a couple of reasons that I can agree to a separate bank account in the beginning which are as follows: (1) If one of you have good credit and the other one has bad credit. Do not do anything joint until the other person’s credit is cleaned up. (2) Separate bank account for pampering the spouse so the money manager is not questioning the other person about expenses prior to a holiday or whatever day is being celebrated. Other than that, it should be a joint account. For example, my husband and I have a joint account and a separate account. The difference that is probably not the norm for most is we have access to all the accounts. But our separate accounts are primarily for pampering each other without explanation. That is our agreement. It is not a bail out of your marriage account which it sounds like the people in the above article have.

Let me caution the readers again - Money being tight should not lead to deception. Deception can eventually lead to destruction of your marriage which could end in divorce. Do not put the tools in place to destroy your marriage even before it begins. Love is a choice and says I will love you rich or poor, good and bad times, employed, unemployed - whether we are eating steak or raamen. Do not let anything become bigger than your marriage. LOVE is a CHOICE!

Yesterday, I posted the Engaged Couples: Announcement with a twist on the traditional vows. If you missed it, read it here at this link:

http://debtatthealtar.com/engaged-couples-announcement-twist-on-“i-do”/

If you have finished reading that post, I hope it made you think and want to ask questions. If you are not talking about money due to fear or something in your past, you are essentially saying the above could very well be the vows you are willing to take. Are you willing to take that risk and aid your soon to be marriage in becoming a divorce statistic?

I know you are going to get tons of advice prior to getting married. Some you will want and be thankful for and then there will be some that you do not need. Then there will be advice that you were hoping you could receive and did not get.

Love yourself enough to begin the Money Talk. The Money Talk should not be all peaches and cream because if it was, I would believe someone was not being honest about their financial picture.

Divorces occur because of a lack of money, money mismanagement, and even financial secrets. When the secrets come out, the spouse begins to feel as if the relationship was not built on trust.

Ask the hard questions so no one walks down the aisle feeling
unprepared. You do have a choice and control.

When two people fall in love and make a commitment to one another, they pledge they will “Love” each other for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse. Well, a topic that should not have to be discussed but I will in this post is “When Her Income is Higher”

We are all aware that money is a topic that is still somewhat taboo; however, when it comes to the wife having a higher income it can do strange things to people when it should not. I am going to share with you a few scenarios of what can happen.

Couple 1 – Wife’s income is higher than husband’s income and everything is right with the world. They knew this going into their relationship that it was this way and it did not make the husband feel any less of a man. Nor did the wife make him feel as if he was beneath her.

Couple 2 – Wife’s income is higher than the husband and he has a problem with it. She has not said anything to him about it. However, his male ego is bruised because he was raised that he is supposed to bring home the bacon. So he has an inner war with himself going on which leads him to say things to the wife that make her feel guilty about the success she has achieved. Tip: This could affect more than just their relationship also her work performance could begin to deteriorate because she is torn between her relationship and now her job.

Couple 3 – Wife’s income is higher than her husband and she treats him as such. She talks down to him and tears down his self-esteem. This particular wife constantly reminds him that she makes more, her income is providing for the household and the “toys” that he likes. She makes side comments about it when her family is around. This husband begins to feel unappreciated and could eventually begin to come home later and later. He does not want to hear how he is not pulling his weight. Tip: When you talk down to your spouse, it affects your overall relationship, income, employment and family. If you paint a picture of your spouse that is derogatory to your family, you will not be able to erase it.

Couple 4 – This is my favorite couple. The husband’s income starts out being higher. Three years into their marriage, it changes and the wife’s income is higher. This husband and wife continue to work together. Their focus is at the end of the day as long as the bills are paid, it works for them. Incidentally throughout this couples marriage it continues to flip/flop and either way it does not interfere with their goals. Tip: When your marriage is based on love which is not an emotion, it should not matter about the size of the income. Motto: Work hard together and play hard together. As long as the household is taken care of, it should not matter.

Communication about money before and continuing in marriage is very important. This is a discussion that should be had so that everyone knows where they stand. Time to reveal, my husband and I are Couple 4. We love it because we support each other in everything we do. In marriage and life, you have to know how to be flexible and not so stringent.

If you have questions on this or money and marriage, send me an email.