Money Mgmt Skills For Brides

Posts Tagged ‘budget’

Yesterday we discussed how you had everything planned. You and your fiance had talked about the dream wedding down to agreeing up on budget for your wedding. As soon as you let out a sigh of relief knowing that you had dotted all the i’s and crossed all the t’s, enter in the paying parent(s) saying they want to pay for a part of your wedding.

Not only do they want to pay for a part of the wedding, they want to change the venue and add an additional 100 to 200 guests to your wedding. You and your fiance had decided on a wedding that included 150 guests max. When we left the question was how do you handle a paying parent(s) as a daughter in the process of becoming a wife?

Dynamics are already in the process of changing and this must be thought out in detail.  Below are things to consider:

(1) Do you cave to your parents wishes and go over budget! Caution:  Is the message you want to send your fiance “NOW” in the midst of wedding plans that your parent(s) wishes come before his, thereby disregarding what the two of you agreed upon.

(2) Figure out a way to compromise with your parents so that all involved are happy whether that means they get to choose the venue or invite half of their friends and colleagues will be something that should be decided among all involved. Caution:  This message says you are into pleasing everyone which you cannot do. This does not mean for one second you should not compromise. Understand what you are saying yes to and what you are saying no to.

(3) Tell your parent(s) thank you. However, they have raised a budget conscious young woman whose about to become a wife. As you and your fiance have agreed on a budget for the wedding that the two of you can afford. You ask them to understand your choice to stay within your budget that is already established. You do not want to create debt for your wedding nor cause your fiance to think that what you agreed to does not matter once they enter the picture. Ensure they know you love them and appreciate their wanting to contribute. Caution:  There are some parents that might be upset because it will seem as if they are not in control. However, in the long run they should be proud of your financial choices.

Come back tomorrow for Part 3 which will provide recommendations for Parental Financial Help.

Love is in the Air. You are engaged and have begun having talks with your fiance about “Your Dream Wedding.” This is a special time in your life that you have dreamed about for years. Now you are engaged and this is your opportunity for you and your fiance to make that dream a reality.

Let’s face it even before this day, you were looking at Bridal magazines to see waht all the latest styles were. It is important to you to have “The DRESS” that will make a statement, make all those in attendance “ooh and aah”. A wedding dress that no one will forget and talk about for years.  One that when you look back on your wedding pictures, all the memories come flooding and your eyes began to tear because it was such a special day in your life.  It doesn’t matter that you have the dress in the closet.

You are preparing to attend several bridal shows and are quite excited about the memories that are being created even in this process. True enough, the economy has caused brides to evaluate chioces when it comes to the wedding. Take a closer look at venues, caterers, florists, number of guests and soo much more.

You and your fiance have sat down and established a “DOABLE Realistic” budget that you both agree to and are happy about. The “MUST HAVES” are on the list and there are even several items that you have discussed and compromised on. You let out a sigh of relief because you believe you have thought of everything until ……. (DRUM ROLL)…. your parent(s) decide to pay for part of the wedding.

Over the next few weeks the parent(s) go through your guest list, ask you about the venue and want to know all the details of what you have planned for your “Dream Wedding.”  You are politely told the venue you and your fiance have chosen is not going to work because there are an additional 100 to 200 of their closest colleagues and friends that would like to invite. 

Before this discussion, you were all set on venue, number of guests not to mention you and your fiance agreed on a budget believing the two of you were paying for the wedding.  The wedding is months away and several things are set in motion. How do you handle a paying parent(s)? This is crucial because it sets the tone for your parental relationship and your marriage.

Weigh in. Come back tomorrow for part 2. This entire week will be devoted to Parents and a Wedding.

I can imagine the look on your face as you read that title. Terms and conditions are three words that apply when preparing to walk down the aisle. Have you discussed with your bride-to-be the terms and conditions regarding her financial background? If you said no, then let me help you prepare for this initial conversation.

When we think of the word terms – it means words with precise meanings. When you are using the word terms in the context of money and marriage it could be used as follows: Hello Bride, let’s discuss the terms in finances to see what they mean to you. Then you can begin going down a grocery list or checklist of terms such as bank, asset, liability, credit, debit, savings and withdrawal. With each word you want to discuss what they mean to her and how they apply to her life.

You might be surprised that for some people it will make them uncomfortable because it will seem that you are prying into an area that you have no right to ask questions. If you’re engaged, then this should raise a little bit of a red flag. What is with all the secrecy? It is important that you know what you are getting yourself into. I discourage you from saying “I Do” based on face value. When I say face value, I mean cuteness. Take the time to discuss the terms and conditions.

Speaking of conditions, now you want to ask what is the condition of your finances? Do you have debt? Are all of your bills paid on time? How many credit cards do you have? These four questions alone are enough to begin talking with each other about your financial information. True enough, it is a hard discussion to have; however when you begin, you will be so glad that you did.

There is no reason money should still be a taboo subject in 2009. Do not spend your time worrying about it and thinking about, it’s time to talk about it and take action. Once you are married if you have not discussed the terms and conditions prior to and find out about debt, this can upset the applecart as they say.

Take the time now to discuss the terms and conditions as you prepare to walk down the aisle. You will be amazed what openness and honesty about finances can do for a relationship, let alone an individual who was once in the dark about the other person’s finances. Let me encourage you to be on the side of your spouse, not against her. Establish a mutual understanding about the terms and conditions prior to beginning this discussion. The result can have lasting effects in your relationship.

Budget has practically been equated to a four letter word. That in itself shows you how the mind works. Today it is time to think of budget in a different aspect when it comes to your marriage. In my opinion, budget is the aspect of setting healthy financial boundaries for yourself and your marriage that cannot be changed based upon what your parents, friends, in-laws, or co-workers are doing.

Budget is based on the reality of your relationship – the shopper and saver, the fact that only you and your future groom know what your income is not everyone outside of the household and your knowing what your monthly expenses are. Many engaged couples are focused on the budget in regards to the wedding. Once the wedding is done, some of them will discard the different financial lessons learned during that process.

I ask you to not discard those different financial lessons whether good or bad but continue to utilize what you learned through that process. More than likely two of the lessons learned would be communication and compromise. The bride and groom communicated with each other about what the budget was, how much they had to spend on different aspects of the wedding. There might be times when a heated discussion took place based on personal preference. What is good about this is that you were talking with each other.

The second lesson was learning how to compromise on various items and not overspending. It is important that you reflect and recognize that you did not HAVE to HAVE a certain item but you were willing to compromise. Understand this, once you are married there will be times when you are spending money that you have to compromise. It’s okay that can be a good thing.

Budget is what you make it. If you think it is a bad thing then it will be. If you find it is a solution to a problem, then it will be a solution.

Let’s face it whether you are single and dating, engaged or married there are times in a relationship when you might be looking for some free and/or low cost date ideas. My husband and I have been happily married for 13 years and we continue to have date night. The difference now is that we have date night with our twins and you know with that it could be expensive.

This will also allow you to get very creative and can be lots of fun.

This is one of my favs – why not create your own picnic basket date whether it is lunch or dinner. I don’t know about you but we keep varying candles in our home – scented in the glass holders (Votives) or even the long stemmed different colors. You can either prepare your own food or go to your local grocery store and get each others favorites. You can make this even more fun by choosing a theme even for the food. For example what if your picnic was a fresh fruit filled theme with flavored cream cheese. Or you could do cold cuts with cheese and crackers.

Another favorite date night that is very low costing is to have a movie marathon night. This is compromised of three or four of your favorite movies, lots of popcorn, pizza and your favorite soda. Make sure the popcorn gets extra butter. The movies should be ones that both of you like whether it is action, mystery, sci-fi or even romance. This can be lots of fun. We continue to do this even to this day.

You can take a drive to a scenic place where you live and have ice cream at a local ice cream place. While you are taking the drive you can share dreams for your relationship. Once you get to the scenic place, it can be fun walking around and taking in the sites having ice cream and attempting to keep it from dripping down your hand to your arm.

You might have to do a little research but if you have a drive-in theater in your area and take your own food. This can be loads of fun; you might even get a double feature. My husband surprised me with this one night after we had gotten married and I had the time of my life.

If your city has an “Art Walk” on the weekend, this could be a fun time. The Art Walks probably take place once a month or weekly. Either way, this could be a good time walking around, taking in the art and being with that special person.

I would be remiss if I did not share this one because this is another great one. There is different Taste of the Nation or Taste of the City events in most metropolitan cities. We attended one that was strictly a fundraiser and you paid an entrance fee. Then you got to sample all of the foods from different premiere restaurants at no additional cost. Talk about fun and seeing all the people. We even got a book of all the recipes before we left. This way we could make them or go to these restaurants later and request it.

I wanted to share one more and that is dinner theater. I am such a huge fan of dinner theater. Upon first glance you might say that is not necessarily low cost. It could be if you think about when you go to dinner at one place, drive to another place to watch a movie and then get snacks at the movie. Dinner theater could be a very reasonable and fun date. You have your meal with dessert and a play all in one place. We have done this a few times even for an anniversary.

When you are dating generally you have a lot of friends that are couples. Another thing that you could do is have a couple’s game night at your home and invite two or three couples and everyone brings a dish. Couples could play Jenga, Scratch, Pictionary or even Clue. This could be so much fun and play teams or couples.

Are these the only things you could do? Absolutely not there is a lot that you can do depending on your interests. As a matter of fact, each date is what you make it. If you think it will be fun, it will be. Take the time to get creative and have fun in the process.

My fiance has debt and I don’t, what do I do? Do I marry him or do I call off the wedding because of his debt? I am sure this is a thought in the mind of several brides who have found out that her fiance has debt.
Before you panic, let me say I am happy for you that you found out before you walked down the aisle. Now brace yourself for what I am about to share.

One of the first things to consider is your fiance told you about his debt. That is a plus in his favor because he did not try to hide it. Second, does your fiance have a plan to pay off his debt and is he working that plan? Or is he saying to you, I have debt and I want you to know that I do not know how to clean it up. I would like you to help me.

I am sure you will agree it is commendable if your fiance has a plan and is working his plan. That does not warrant your calling off the wedding. This says he is being honest with you and wants you to know what you are in for when you say “I Do” at the altar.

If he does not have a plan but is saying to you I have debt and I don’t know how to clean it up, but I am asking you for your help. That is very commendable as well. Why you might ask? First and foremost, it is generally hard for people to ask for help from someone they are very close too. Trust me, it took a lot for him to do this if that is what he is doing. This too is not a reason to call off the wedding. As a matter of fact, this gives you and your groom an opportunity to have more candid talks about finances and establish a healthy financial foundation for your household while you implement a plan to clean up his debt.

Where I would be cautious about walking down the aisle if is you have a fiance that has debt, does not have a job (does not want one) and is continuously spending money that seems to miraculously appear out of the sky. Reason: If a person in debt continues to shop adding more bills they are digging themselves in deeper which could lead to more situations once you are married.

This is a person that might not want to change old habits that are detrimental to the relationship. Remember this, you cannot make a person change. A person has to want to change their habits or thinking on their own for the betterment of themselves first and then their families.

Recommendation: If your fiance has debt and told you, you have a wonderful opportunity to begin the “Money Talk” and show some compassion. We all make mistakes. The goal is to learn from them not repeat them.

Last week I was attended a vendor social and was making the rounds meeting the various vendors. Interestingly enough, I began talking with this one young lady who was representing a cosmetics company. I shared with her that I was familiar with this particular company she was representing from another event that I attended and the person that was in the booth next to me was a representative of that company.

She asked me what I did in the wedding industry. I began sharing with her about “Money Talk before the Commitment Walk and Debt Stops at the Altar” financial education program for newlyweds and engaged couples. I told her how I work with vendors and this program as well. Then I explained to her that I have an additional component, Financial Education for Pre and Post-Deployment Soldiers for military spouses and families that deal with deployment. She perked up even more.

Next she said to me, I might have to get this for my brother. He found out that he was going to be deployed and now he is getting married. What I heard without her saying is I am not sure if he is in love with this person, however he wants to get married before he is being deployed. What she said to me after that thought ran through my mind is “I don’t think he has thought about all that is involved in marriage.”

Hence a great reason for me to write this post today. I want to congratulate you on your engagement to a service member. Take a deep breath because you are dealing with emotions of him being deployed or will be deployed shortly. I want to say, take this one day at a time. You are now in the position of planning for your wedding and learning the military lifestyle.

While it is true that you have a lot you will be dealing with, before you begin planning for your wedding, did you and your fiancé talk about your finances? Understanding what your overall financial picture is one of the main steps that can put your mind at ease. If you and your service member did not talk about your finances, I would recommend that you gather all of the bills and figure out the household financial picture. Sit down and map out what the household income is, how much is going out and what is left. Some of you could be in the position of paying for your own wedding in full and maybe some will only have to pay a portion. Either way, you need to be aware of what your financial picture is for your home.

You are invited to post your comments or ask questions.

Recently I wrote a blog posting about Young Engaged College Students seeking premarital financial course. After writing this post, I decided that I would interview a young engaged or newly married college student regarding finances. Who would have known that I was following Collegemoneygal on Twitter? I know Twitter is the entire “rave” at this time. I sent Collegemoneygal a Direct Message and she agreed to the interview.

Hold on to your seats – its going to be fun.

Let me provide you with a little background. Collegemoneygal and her husband are in college. She is interested in personal finances. I applaud her on that already. Time to pick up with the interview.

Question: How long have you been married?

Collegemoneygal: Not even a year. Got married last May.

Question: Did you find it hard to be engaged and in college?

Collegemoneygal: Yes it was difficult because we wanted to spend time together when we should have been studying. So we had to stop and take the time to study. We would tell each other okay, I’m not going to come over this night, I need to study. Because we were engaged, we found we had less time to do homework.

Question: Did you talk about finances while you were engaged?

Collegemoneygal: They talked about finances and had already decided that they were going to share bank accounts once they were married. She had seen her parents arguing about money a lot and did not want that happening in her relationship. Her husband’s parents were great with money. So her husband agreed to her request to have shard bank accounts.

Statement: When I mentioned to Collegemoneygal about discussing debt. She shared that her fiancé at that time shared with her that he had some debt, how much it was and his plan of how he was already paying it. So she knew what she would be getting in to. She also has student loans. She and her husband have a plan for paying that.

Question: As a married college student, do you believe you have added stress being married?

Collegemoneygal: No. Now it is less stressful since we are married. We have our home and it is easier to keep focused. We have our study times and will go to separate rooms. Then we will stop and come together to watch a movie.

Statement: I commended Collegemoneygal on her recent review of Credit Cards. She shared with me the need for them to build credit for her husband. He has a good rate but it needs to be increased. My statement to her was that comes with time and paying the bill consistently.

Question: Did you have premarital counseling?

Collegemoneygal: We met with our Church leader a few different times. Not a formal premarital counseling class. He basically covered general things about finances to keep communication open but nothing specific. She and her husband did take a personal finances course that was offered at the church. That taught them a lot.

Question: What would be a tip you would share with a young engaged college student?

Collegemoneygal: Talk about your goals with your fiancé and even write them down. You can set goals for anything – purchasing a house, when you want to have your first child, buying a car. You will find out things you did not know about your soon-to-be mate. In regards to finances – some things will surprise you about finances.

This interview with Collegemoneygal was great. I applaud the discussions she and her husband have already had. This truly newlywed couple chose prior to walking down the aisle what they wanted for their finances. Let me add, Collegemoneygal shared that she and her husband sat down and talked about their bills. Both know what bills are being paid and how much. Furthermore, they made a budget together.

You are the bride-to-be and attempting to plan your wedding on a budget. Each day all you can think about is how much does this cost? When you find out, you are not thrilled with the price. The next day comes along and you decide to focus on the florists. You take the time to shop around and still when they give you an estimated costs, you are wiping your head thinking this is getting out of control. You have compromised in one area and find yourself over the allotted budget in another.

You feel as if you are spinning out of control as much as you are trying to stay within your budget parameters. I know when you got engaged, whether you realized it or not, a wedding at the end of a day is a major expense regardless of how much money you have. Whether parents are paying and gave you the money or you and the groom are paying for it yourself, now is the time to Talk with your soon-to-be groom about what is happening.

I would imagine when you started planning your wedding you were enjoying it. However, now you are shouldering you have X amount of dollars to spend for the entire wedding. Seeing the different costs have become stressful. What can you do? Let me provide some recommendations and take what you can and discard what does not apply to you.

First and foremost since a wedding is the beginning of financial decisions and compromise – INVOLVE your groom. One of the things that gets couples into trouble is a lack of communication. Not talking and assuming that spouses are mind readers is unfortunately a common mistake. Take the time now to establish talking about the hard subjects.

Second because you are planning a wedding that involves you, the groom, wedding officiant, bridesmaids, etc – and you are feeling overwhelmed as you are about to make financial decisions, might I recommend you call your fiancé and ask him to meet you for dinner. Share with him briefly what you are going through, the stress and carrying all this weight on your shoulder. Ask him to sit down with you in a couple of days, so that the two of you can decide together what is important to both of you. Understand this it is not just your wedding. He will look back on this day and don’t you want him to have great memories too!

Third do not let society dictate or pressure from friends the type of wedding you have. You know what your budget is and now you and your groom are going to decide what is necessary. One of the things that will be important is that you do not stand at the altar in front of your groom and having regrets. You want to know three weeks before your wedding you can take a deep breath and know it is what you both want.

If you work on these three, it will make a difference. I want to congratulate on planning your wedding and being able to begin the Money Talk with your fiancé even in this stage. This will give you a glimpse into what it will be like during marriage. I wish you much marital bliss that you can handle.