Money Mgmt Skills For Brides

Posts Tagged ‘bride’

How many of you reading this have witnessed a concerned parent of a groom? I am sure some of you have because they will talk to people that will  listen. I remember several years ago when I was speaking to some young couples and that was a concern of one of the parents. The bride to be was a shopper and spending even long before the wedding. Yet, her son was conservative and believed in saving. She was not sure the bride if the bride really knew her son’s beliefs or thoughts about money.

She had thoughts that the engagement would not last based what she had witnessed a couple of times. This mom, concerned parent had experienced life enough to recognize the warning signs. So I want to say to the concerned parents impress upon your son’s to get premarital financial counseling.  Love your sons enough to give them premarital financial counseling so they can hear it from someone else which will confirm more than likely what you have already been saying.

Alright, back to the Bride. What can you do to provide some comfort to a concerned parent. Below are the recommendations and do not take them lightly for one second.

(1) First and foremost do not think that this is a game and you can pretend to turn over a new leaf. You can only pretend to be something you are not for so long. When the truth comes out - the repercussions can be something you do not like.

(2) Ask yourself why you are always spending money? Is this to cover up some underlying pain or is this how you are getting your emotional needs met? As you are preparing for marriage - get past the wedding day - MARRIAGE you have to look at what bills are you both bringing into the marriage.

(3) If you are continuously spending money whether it is yours or someone else’s, what does it say you will do once married? Will you shop instead of taking care of the household bills and obligations? Do not think for one second, that your fiance is not paying attention to all of this.

(4) Get into premarital financial counseling WITH your groom, so that you both are going into the marriage with your eyes open knowing what financial obligations exist. If you are not willing to go to premarital financial counseling - you should re-think whether or not you want to be married.

I have heard stories of grooms calling off the wedding because they did not like how the bride-to-be was unwilling to compromise on wedding costs. The bride continuously was creating more and more debt. The groom was unwilling to incur debt for the wedding and so that was the end of it.

Bride: What is the message  you want to send regarding finances to your groom to be as well as his parent?

Yesterday we discussed how you had everything planned. You and your fiance had talked about the dream wedding down to agreeing up on budget for your wedding. As soon as you let out a sigh of relief knowing that you had dotted all the i’s and crossed all the t’s, enter in the paying parent(s) saying they want to pay for a part of your wedding.

Not only do they want to pay for a part of the wedding, they want to change the venue and add an additional 100 to 200 guests to your wedding. You and your fiance had decided on a wedding that included 150 guests max. When we left the question was how do you handle a paying parent(s) as a daughter in the process of becoming a wife?

Dynamics are already in the process of changing and this must be thought out in detail.  Below are things to consider:

(1) Do you cave to your parents wishes and go over budget! Caution:  Is the message you want to send your fiance “NOW” in the midst of wedding plans that your parent(s) wishes come before his, thereby disregarding what the two of you agreed upon.

(2) Figure out a way to compromise with your parents so that all involved are happy whether that means they get to choose the venue or invite half of their friends and colleagues will be something that should be decided among all involved. Caution:  This message says you are into pleasing everyone which you cannot do. This does not mean for one second you should not compromise. Understand what you are saying yes to and what you are saying no to.

(3) Tell your parent(s) thank you. However, they have raised a budget conscious young woman whose about to become a wife. As you and your fiance have agreed on a budget for the wedding that the two of you can afford. You ask them to understand your choice to stay within your budget that is already established. You do not want to create debt for your wedding nor cause your fiance to think that what you agreed to does not matter once they enter the picture. Ensure they know you love them and appreciate their wanting to contribute. Caution:  There are some parents that might be upset because it will seem as if they are not in control. However, in the long run they should be proud of your financial choices.

Come back tomorrow for Part 3 which will provide recommendations for Parental Financial Help.

Love is in the Air. You are engaged and have begun having talks with your fiance about “Your Dream Wedding.” This is a special time in your life that you have dreamed about for years. Now you are engaged and this is your opportunity for you and your fiance to make that dream a reality.

Let’s face it even before this day, you were looking at Bridal magazines to see waht all the latest styles were. It is important to you to have “The DRESS” that will make a statement, make all those in attendance “ooh and aah”. A wedding dress that no one will forget and talk about for years.  One that when you look back on your wedding pictures, all the memories come flooding and your eyes began to tear because it was such a special day in your life.  It doesn’t matter that you have the dress in the closet.

You are preparing to attend several bridal shows and are quite excited about the memories that are being created even in this process. True enough, the economy has caused brides to evaluate chioces when it comes to the wedding. Take a closer look at venues, caterers, florists, number of guests and soo much more.

You and your fiance have sat down and established a “DOABLE Realistic” budget that you both agree to and are happy about. The “MUST HAVES” are on the list and there are even several items that you have discussed and compromised on. You let out a sigh of relief because you believe you have thought of everything until ……. (DRUM ROLL)…. your parent(s) decide to pay for part of the wedding.

Over the next few weeks the parent(s) go through your guest list, ask you about the venue and want to know all the details of what you have planned for your “Dream Wedding.”  You are politely told the venue you and your fiance have chosen is not going to work because there are an additional 100 to 200 of their closest colleagues and friends that would like to invite. 

Before this discussion, you were all set on venue, number of guests not to mention you and your fiance agreed on a budget believing the two of you were paying for the wedding.  The wedding is months away and several things are set in motion. How do you handle a paying parent(s)? This is crucial because it sets the tone for your parental relationship and your marriage.

Weigh in. Come back tomorrow for part 2. This entire week will be devoted to Parents and a Wedding.

Do you realize that if you do not value your money and marriage relationship, more than likely no one else will either? Why do I say that? How many people have approached you that were in a position to teach you about talking about money and marriage issues? Really take some time to think about this - during an engagement you meet with many professionals - florists, caterers, people in bridal shops, venue, wedding officiants, premarital counselors and more.

Has anyone broached the subject of financial communication with you? While you are choosing those flowers and spending money for the wedding day, what are your thoughts about the day after and the next day and the next day. Sure you should have a beautiful wedding. In ADDITION to that, I say, let’s have a marriage that is ready to handle any financial challenge that is presented. Let’s have a husband and wife that will not point the blame or be ready to call it quits when the first financial obstacle arises.

Finances is a topic that people are not comfortable talking about. Why you ask? Because most people have made their own mistakes and do not want people to know about it. People are also taking it for granted that the bride and groom already know about finances when in actuality, some brides and grooms do not even discuss finances until after they have said “I Do” and a problem presents itself. I want you to know about the mistakes I made, especially if it can keep you from repeating them and keep you from going through what I went through. My husband and I came to our marriage with at least $30,000 in debt. We cleaned up our debt (making approx $20,000 a year total) in two and a half years without filing bankruptcy.

I am comfortable sharing and happy to share. I will tell you the good, bad and ugly. Not afraid and will not hold back. Now you know me, willing to provide answers and a program that you can use throughout the lifetime of your marriage. When you do not openly communicate about finances look at this chain of events that happen:

Financial problem begins - arguing starts - finger point ensues - husbands and wives stop talking to each other - go to bed mad - work performance begins to deteriorate and it continues from there.

Take this opportunity to not even be in this chain. Invest in your marriage today. If you are a parent, invest in your son or daughter’s marriage. Do you know it is very hard for an adult son or daughter to come to a parent and ask for money? Give the one gift that no one else is giving - financial education for a marriage.

Go to www.DebtAtTheAltar.com for your premarital financial education program.

All too often we hear about these stories in the news where men are killing women and money is a factor. There have been even more stories since the economy change where men have killed their entire families and some of the causes was being overwhelmed by their debt. I ask you how much debt does it take for people to act out character. Let’s review:

Remember the Laci Peterson case with Scott Peterson. Prosecutors said that he killed his wife and unborn child due to increasing debt and a desire to be free from obligations.

Second case that I found was the April Greer case who was murdered by her boyfriend, Jerry Lynn Stuart, Jr. Not really clear as to why he murdered her, but according to the post I read on thegreatseparation.com - Stuart’s troubled childhood of abuse and poverty created a personality disorder that was triggered when he found out Greer was being unfaithful.

Now we have the Craigslist killer who is a young medical student with a fiancee. He has a $130,000 in student loans. I am wondering if he and his fiancee discussed finances. Sure she might have known he had student loans but maybe not the extent of his debt. This debt in my opinion caused him to take actions that he might not have otherwise taken.

I ask you, the parent do you truly know your son or daughter’s future spouse background? What does their financial picture look like? Do you even know your own son or daughter’s financial habits? Clearly in case after case, parents are heartbroken, cannot believe their son or daughter would behave this way. Yes they are grown ups, however it is apparent people still need to learn effective and regular communication about money in a relationship.

Think about the financial challenges you have had during your marriage. Would you want your son or daughter to struggle as you have? Let me encourage you while you are spending money on their wedding or anniversary gift, take a life long step and invest in their marriage. Provide them with the tools to teach them how to talk about money throughout the lifetime of their marriage. That is truly one gift that will change lives for the better and give them steps they can take together for the benefit of the marriage.

Communication is essential in all relationships. Being honest and willing to share upfront can prevent and relieve financial stress and strain before it gets to be unbearable.

Personally, I would not want our son or daughter being put at risk because of a lack of finances and their spouse feeling as if they have no other options. Think big picture beyond the wedding day and equip them to handle financial challenges that DO arise in marriage.

I can imagine the look on your face as you read that title. Terms and conditions are three words that apply when preparing to walk down the aisle. Have you discussed with your bride-to-be the terms and conditions regarding her financial background? If you said no, then let me help you prepare for this initial conversation.

When we think of the word terms – it means words with precise meanings. When you are using the word terms in the context of money and marriage it could be used as follows: Hello Bride, let’s discuss the terms in finances to see what they mean to you. Then you can begin going down a grocery list or checklist of terms such as bank, asset, liability, credit, debit, savings and withdrawal. With each word you want to discuss what they mean to her and how they apply to her life.

You might be surprised that for some people it will make them uncomfortable because it will seem that you are prying into an area that you have no right to ask questions. If you’re engaged, then this should raise a little bit of a red flag. What is with all the secrecy? It is important that you know what you are getting yourself into. I discourage you from saying “I Do” based on face value. When I say face value, I mean cuteness. Take the time to discuss the terms and conditions.

Speaking of conditions, now you want to ask what is the condition of your finances? Do you have debt? Are all of your bills paid on time? How many credit cards do you have? These four questions alone are enough to begin talking with each other about your financial information. True enough, it is a hard discussion to have; however when you begin, you will be so glad that you did.

There is no reason money should still be a taboo subject in 2009. Do not spend your time worrying about it and thinking about, it’s time to talk about it and take action. Once you are married if you have not discussed the terms and conditions prior to and find out about debt, this can upset the applecart as they say.

Take the time now to discuss the terms and conditions as you prepare to walk down the aisle. You will be amazed what openness and honesty about finances can do for a relationship, let alone an individual who was once in the dark about the other person’s finances. Let me encourage you to be on the side of your spouse, not against her. Establish a mutual understanding about the terms and conditions prior to beginning this discussion. The result can have lasting effects in your relationship.

I have been in the place of when you are out in public, it appears that everything is great. Yet, behind closed doors fear has taken over and stifled you from taking action.

Read with me:

It is April 2009, you are in a serious relationship and have been talking about marriage. You are ecstatic because you know this is the one. You have a job and are on your own. Someday soon you will be planning your wedding. From the outside you could not be happier.

At the end of your work day, you begin to drive home so you can relax. You get your mail, open the door to your apartment and close the door. You put everything away and if you are like me, I immediately get into my comfy (lounging) clothes.

You sit in the chair in front of the tv. All of a sudden, there is an unexpected knock at your door. You go to the door, through the peephole and do not see anyone. So you open the door to see if someone ran.

You don’t see anyone, so you close the door. Here is what happened. Hello, my name is fear and you have let me into your life. You have debt and because of me, you are not talking with your boyfriend or fiance’ about your financial issues. You continue to go to work and stressing about your finances while you work.

There have been times when I have had co-workers come and talk to you about their own relationships. What they don’t realize is that I’ve entered their life as well because they are talking to people who are in the same situation - fussing and complaining versus being in a position to solve the challenges.

As long as I have a hold on you, you will not seek answers and you will walk down the aisle to say “I Do” with these vows ringing in your mind - Twist on Vows You had opportunity after opportunity to take action; however, you listened to me more.

I had you thinking your boyfriend or fiance’ would leave you if you communicated to him what was happening. Furthermore, I had you convinced you could not go to a family member because they would be disappointed in you. Therefore, you chose to do nothing and now you are potentially setting yourself up to become a divorce statistic.

Do not let fear grip you for another minute. Take a STAND for yourself, your future and your relationship. Can you afford to continue on the financial path you are already on? When you learn financial management, it impacts your life and the lives of many (family, friends, co-workers, etc.)

Normally the Bride and Groom stand at the altar and take the vows that say Do you Groom take The Bride to be your Lawfully wedded wife, To Have and To Hold from this day forward, For Better of For Worse, For Richer or For Poorer, In Sickness and in Health, To Love and to Cherish from this day forward, until Death Do us Part. Then You Hear “I Do.”

What if the vows went like this:

Do You Groom take your Bride to manage the families money by trial and error, to keep it a secret from her that you are a shopper and will incur additional debt beyond what already exists that she does not know about, to accept this bride without financial disclosure of her own financial background, believing you can merge your finances even though you know you have debt and believe it will not affect her credit and prepared to handle the first financial emergency when it arises in your marriage.

If the second one was the vows that you heard standing at the altar, what would you do? Would you say I do or would you object and say I cannot marry you?

Once couples get married they have financial challenges that they did not prepare for and do not know how to handle it. Take it from a happily married wife of 13 years, this is preventable. My husband and I came to our marriage with debt and the difference is we talked about it with each other prior to marriage. Full financial disclosure was given by each of us. If you have financial challenges and want unbiased guidance on money and marriage, send me an email today. There is nothing like feeling trapped and not being able to get help. I know it hurts.