Money Mgmt Skills For Brides

Archive for the ‘EngagedCouplesMoney’ Category

Throughout this week I have been talking about parents whether they have been the parent(s) of the bride, parent(s) of the groom. I want to address as I partially end this focus on parent(s) sharing financial lessons they have learned throughout marriage with their sons and daughters that are brides-to-be and fiances.

Parent(s) should share with their young men and women who are about to be come husbands and wives financial lessons that they wish parents or family members had told them. For example:  What bills did you bring to the marriage? Bills that you need to make sure are paid throughout your relationship where you join accounts or not.

Another lesson might be talk with each other about who you believe should manage the money? Talk about your different experiences and what they should do in their relationship. What lessons have you learned from doing it one way or another?

There are so many times when parents would walk by my booth at bridal shows and said, you know Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Then they continue to walk on by because it is not the “fun” topic. Money might not be the “fun” topic but it is a factor in life that must be dealt with.

Parents think about the relationship you want to continue to have with your son or daughter once they become a husband or a wife.  Do you want to have a relationship with them that is one of support or one of causing disruption in the marriage.

How many of you reading this have witnessed a concerned parent of a groom? I am sure some of you have because they will talk to people that will  listen. I remember several years ago when I was speaking to some young couples and that was a concern of one of the parents. The bride to be was a shopper and spending even long before the wedding. Yet, her son was conservative and believed in saving. She was not sure the bride if the bride really knew her son’s beliefs or thoughts about money.

She had thoughts that the engagement would not last based what she had witnessed a couple of times. This mom, concerned parent had experienced life enough to recognize the warning signs. So I want to say to the concerned parents impress upon your son’s to get premarital financial counseling.  Love your sons enough to give them premarital financial counseling so they can hear it from someone else which will confirm more than likely what you have already been saying.

Alright, back to the Bride. What can you do to provide some comfort to a concerned parent. Below are the recommendations and do not take them lightly for one second.

(1) First and foremost do not think that this is a game and you can pretend to turn over a new leaf. You can only pretend to be something you are not for so long. When the truth comes out - the repercussions can be something you do not like.

(2) Ask yourself why you are always spending money? Is this to cover up some underlying pain or is this how you are getting your emotional needs met? As you are preparing for marriage - get past the wedding day - MARRIAGE you have to look at what bills are you both bringing into the marriage.

(3) If you are continuously spending money whether it is yours or someone else’s, what does it say you will do once married? Will you shop instead of taking care of the household bills and obligations? Do not think for one second, that your fiance is not paying attention to all of this.

(4) Get into premarital financial counseling WITH your groom, so that you both are going into the marriage with your eyes open knowing what financial obligations exist. If you are not willing to go to premarital financial counseling - you should re-think whether or not you want to be married.

I have heard stories of grooms calling off the wedding because they did not like how the bride-to-be was unwilling to compromise on wedding costs. The bride continuously was creating more and more debt. The groom was unwilling to incur debt for the wedding and so that was the end of it.

Bride: What is the message  you want to send regarding finances to your groom to be as well as his parent?

Alright Brides, yes I do primarily write about money management skills for brides. Today, I want to continue talking about parents and I want to flip this for a minute because this side exists everyday and you have to look at all sides. There could be a mom or dad reading this blog and say I am the parent of a groom and I do not like what I am seeing from the bride.

What does that mean? That means that the son is ultra conservative and has his finances in order. However, he has become engaged to a “SHOPPER” and this bride is a person that wants the top of everything. She does not want to compromise at any level and right now is on the path to creating wedding debt beyond belief. Unfortunately, she does not care either. She wants what she wants.

BRIDES: Is this the message you want to send to your future in laws, let alone your husband to be? Do not think for one second if you are constantly talking about spending money to him that he is not having discussions with his family. WHY? Because what you are doing when you are in their presence is raising “RED FLAGS” and you are placing your Fiance in the position of needing to discuss what is happening when they are not there.

Concerned parent(s) know that money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Let alone if they have experienced their own financial challenges in their marriage whether they are still married or divorced or even never been married. Most people know firsthand or have witnessed someone struggle financially. If you are presenting yourself during the engagement and wedding planning process as someone that is not willing to compromise, will buy what she wants when she wants it regardless of what someone else thinks - you are placing yourself in the position of maybe not getting married to this groom.

Will a concerned parent(s) statements outweigh what you have to say? Not necessarily however, men will divorce a woman when the finances are out of out of control and they think she is to blame. When parent(s) are concerned, they have every reason to be heard. Let me ask you, do you think your parent(s) know you better than anyone - what you like, dislike, what you will put up with and what you will not? If you do, the same holds true for the groom.

What can you do in order to establish some comfort with a concerned parent of a groom? You must come back tomorrow and find out the recommendations!

Today we are going to wrap up the Budget conscious bride and the paying parent. I know the first two days were heavy. When you are planning a wedding and about to enter into marriage you must look at the BIG picture and all of those affected. Yes your parents can be happy for you; let’s face it there could be some mom’s living through their daughter’s WEDDING! It is your wedding and this day should be the way you want it without REGRETS. Okay that is another post for another time.

What recommendations can you offer the parent if you say no to the financial assistance for your wedding? Well, I am glad you asked the question because yes you are getting married AND not BUT AND after the wedding COMES the MARRIAGE. What do most couples want once they are married …. a HOUSE! Let’s get right into some recommendations for your MARRIAGE:

(1) Ask the parent(s) to give you the money to put towards a down payment on a house.

(2) Ask them to pay off a credit card.

(3) I remember we had gotten a gift certificate to a Bed and Breakfast that we used on our first anniversary. All we had to do was pack, get in the car and go. Everything was taken care of when we arrived.

(4) Ask them to pay off a smaller student loan.

(5) Since the bride and groom are budget conscious about their wedding,  give them the gift of premarital financial counseling before they get married so they know what they are getting themselves into.

Any of these will say the parent(s) understand after the wedding, the bride and groom are married. There are different situations that occur during marriage and they are assisting in getting the marriage off on sound footing without creating unnecessary tension and stress only days after the honeymoon.

Come back tomorrow as we discuss more about Dynamics of Parent(s) when it comes to a wedding.

Yesterday we discussed how you had everything planned. You and your fiance had talked about the dream wedding down to agreeing up on budget for your wedding. As soon as you let out a sigh of relief knowing that you had dotted all the i’s and crossed all the t’s, enter in the paying parent(s) saying they want to pay for a part of your wedding.

Not only do they want to pay for a part of the wedding, they want to change the venue and add an additional 100 to 200 guests to your wedding. You and your fiance had decided on a wedding that included 150 guests max. When we left the question was how do you handle a paying parent(s) as a daughter in the process of becoming a wife?

Dynamics are already in the process of changing and this must be thought out in detail.  Below are things to consider:

(1) Do you cave to your parents wishes and go over budget! Caution:  Is the message you want to send your fiance “NOW” in the midst of wedding plans that your parent(s) wishes come before his, thereby disregarding what the two of you agreed upon.

(2) Figure out a way to compromise with your parents so that all involved are happy whether that means they get to choose the venue or invite half of their friends and colleagues will be something that should be decided among all involved. Caution:  This message says you are into pleasing everyone which you cannot do. This does not mean for one second you should not compromise. Understand what you are saying yes to and what you are saying no to.

(3) Tell your parent(s) thank you. However, they have raised a budget conscious young woman whose about to become a wife. As you and your fiance have agreed on a budget for the wedding that the two of you can afford. You ask them to understand your choice to stay within your budget that is already established. You do not want to create debt for your wedding nor cause your fiance to think that what you agreed to does not matter once they enter the picture. Ensure they know you love them and appreciate their wanting to contribute. Caution:  There are some parents that might be upset because it will seem as if they are not in control. However, in the long run they should be proud of your financial choices.

Come back tomorrow for Part 3 which will provide recommendations for Parental Financial Help.

Love is in the Air. You are engaged and have begun having talks with your fiance about “Your Dream Wedding.” This is a special time in your life that you have dreamed about for years. Now you are engaged and this is your opportunity for you and your fiance to make that dream a reality.

Let’s face it even before this day, you were looking at Bridal magazines to see waht all the latest styles were. It is important to you to have “The DRESS” that will make a statement, make all those in attendance “ooh and aah”. A wedding dress that no one will forget and talk about for years.  One that when you look back on your wedding pictures, all the memories come flooding and your eyes began to tear because it was such a special day in your life.  It doesn’t matter that you have the dress in the closet.

You are preparing to attend several bridal shows and are quite excited about the memories that are being created even in this process. True enough, the economy has caused brides to evaluate chioces when it comes to the wedding. Take a closer look at venues, caterers, florists, number of guests and soo much more.

You and your fiance have sat down and established a “DOABLE Realistic” budget that you both agree to and are happy about. The “MUST HAVES” are on the list and there are even several items that you have discussed and compromised on. You let out a sigh of relief because you believe you have thought of everything until ……. (DRUM ROLL)…. your parent(s) decide to pay for part of the wedding.

Over the next few weeks the parent(s) go through your guest list, ask you about the venue and want to know all the details of what you have planned for your “Dream Wedding.”  You are politely told the venue you and your fiance have chosen is not going to work because there are an additional 100 to 200 of their closest colleagues and friends that would like to invite. 

Before this discussion, you were all set on venue, number of guests not to mention you and your fiance agreed on a budget believing the two of you were paying for the wedding.  The wedding is months away and several things are set in motion. How do you handle a paying parent(s)? This is crucial because it sets the tone for your parental relationship and your marriage.

Weigh in. Come back tomorrow for part 2. This entire week will be devoted to Parents and a Wedding.

Yesterday, I posted the Engaged Couples: Announcement with a twist on the traditional vows. If you missed it, read it here at this link:

http://debtatthealtar.com/engaged-couples-announcement-twist-on-“i-do”/

If you have finished reading that post, I hope it made you think and want to ask questions. If you are not talking about money due to fear or something in your past, you are essentially saying the above could very well be the vows you are willing to take. Are you willing to take that risk and aid your soon to be marriage in becoming a divorce statistic?

I know you are going to get tons of advice prior to getting married. Some you will want and be thankful for and then there will be some that you do not need. Then there will be advice that you were hoping you could receive and did not get.

Love yourself enough to begin the Money Talk. The Money Talk should not be all peaches and cream because if it was, I would believe someone was not being honest about their financial picture.

Divorces occur because of a lack of money, money mismanagement, and even financial secrets. When the secrets come out, the spouse begins to feel as if the relationship was not built on trust.

Ask the hard questions so no one walks down the aisle feeling
unprepared. You do have a choice and control.

Normally the Bride and Groom stand at the altar and take the vows that say Do you Groom take The Bride to be your Lawfully wedded wife, To Have and To Hold from this day forward, For Better of For Worse, For Richer or For Poorer, In Sickness and in Health, To Love and to Cherish from this day forward, until Death Do us Part. Then You Hear “I Do.”

What if the vows went like this:

Do You Groom take your Bride to manage the families money by trial and error, to keep it a secret from her that you are a shopper and will incur additional debt beyond what already exists that she does not know about, to accept this bride without financial disclosure of her own financial background, believing you can merge your finances even though you know you have debt and believe it will not affect her credit and prepared to handle the first financial emergency when it arises in your marriage.

If the second one was the vows that you heard standing at the altar, what would you do? Would you say I do or would you object and say I cannot marry you?

Once couples get married they have financial challenges that they did not prepare for and do not know how to handle it. Take it from a happily married wife of 13 years, this is preventable. My husband and I came to our marriage with debt and the difference is we talked about it with each other prior to marriage. Full financial disclosure was given by each of us. If you have financial challenges and want unbiased guidance on money and marriage, send me an email today. There is nothing like feeling trapped and not being able to get help. I know it hurts.

When I first thought about writing this post, it was initially meant to be about money and the wedding. The more I thought about it, I one could actually apply this to any part of your life where you spend money. But I digress, this post will be written as intended discussing money and the wedding.

Many brides-to-be who are also planning their wedding are faced with the economic realities of not being able to have a big elaborate wedding as they once dreamed. They must now decide what they are willing to spend their money on and what they are willing to do themselves. The decision is overspend and have financial challenges upon returning from the honeymoon or reduce the wedding budget and have an intimate gathering which will not bankrupt anyone’s finances.

Let me assure you, from my own personal observations and having officiated several weddings, spending a large amount of money on a wedding does not guarantee happily ever after. I have been to weddings where a lot of money was spent and the marriage did not last two years. Then I have attended weddings that were small and the marriage continues.

Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that if you have a large wedding you are automatically headed for divorce court. I believe based on the current economy, it is important to make your wedding a wedding that has no financial regrets. By being honest about your financial picture as you are planning your wedding, this can make the beginning of your marriage less stressful when it comes to finances.

My fiance has debt and I don’t, what do I do? Do I marry him or do I call off the wedding because of his debt? I am sure this is a thought in the mind of several brides who have found out that her fiance has debt.
Before you panic, let me say I am happy for you that you found out before you walked down the aisle. Now brace yourself for what I am about to share.

One of the first things to consider is your fiance told you about his debt. That is a plus in his favor because he did not try to hide it. Second, does your fiance have a plan to pay off his debt and is he working that plan? Or is he saying to you, I have debt and I want you to know that I do not know how to clean it up. I would like you to help me.

I am sure you will agree it is commendable if your fiance has a plan and is working his plan. That does not warrant your calling off the wedding. This says he is being honest with you and wants you to know what you are in for when you say “I Do” at the altar.

If he does not have a plan but is saying to you I have debt and I don’t know how to clean it up, but I am asking you for your help. That is very commendable as well. Why you might ask? First and foremost, it is generally hard for people to ask for help from someone they are very close too. Trust me, it took a lot for him to do this if that is what he is doing. This too is not a reason to call off the wedding. As a matter of fact, this gives you and your groom an opportunity to have more candid talks about finances and establish a healthy financial foundation for your household while you implement a plan to clean up his debt.

Where I would be cautious about walking down the aisle if is you have a fiance that has debt, does not have a job (does not want one) and is continuously spending money that seems to miraculously appear out of the sky. Reason: If a person in debt continues to shop adding more bills they are digging themselves in deeper which could lead to more situations once you are married.

This is a person that might not want to change old habits that are detrimental to the relationship. Remember this, you cannot make a person change. A person has to want to change their habits or thinking on their own for the betterment of themselves first and then their families.

Recommendation: If your fiance has debt and told you, you have a wonderful opportunity to begin the “Money Talk” and show some compassion. We all make mistakes. The goal is to learn from them not repeat them.