Money Mgmt Skills For Brides

Throughout this week I have been talking about parents whether they have been the parent(s) of the bride, parent(s) of the groom. I want to address as I partially end this focus on parent(s) sharing financial lessons they have learned throughout marriage with their sons and daughters that are brides-to-be and fiances.

Parent(s) should share with their young men and women who are about to be come husbands and wives financial lessons that they wish parents or family members had told them. For example:  What bills did you bring to the marriage? Bills that you need to make sure are paid throughout your relationship where you join accounts or not.

Another lesson might be talk with each other about who you believe should manage the money? Talk about your different experiences and what they should do in their relationship. What lessons have you learned from doing it one way or another?

There are so many times when parents would walk by my booth at bridal shows and said, you know Money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Then they continue to walk on by because it is not the “fun” topic. Money might not be the “fun” topic but it is a factor in life that must be dealt with.

Parents think about the relationship you want to continue to have with your son or daughter once they become a husband or a wife.  Do you want to have a relationship with them that is one of support or one of causing disruption in the marriage.

How many of you reading this have witnessed a concerned parent of a groom? I am sure some of you have because they will talk to people that will  listen. I remember several years ago when I was speaking to some young couples and that was a concern of one of the parents. The bride to be was a shopper and spending even long before the wedding. Yet, her son was conservative and believed in saving. She was not sure the bride if the bride really knew her son’s beliefs or thoughts about money.

She had thoughts that the engagement would not last based what she had witnessed a couple of times. This mom, concerned parent had experienced life enough to recognize the warning signs. So I want to say to the concerned parents impress upon your son’s to get premarital financial counseling.  Love your sons enough to give them premarital financial counseling so they can hear it from someone else which will confirm more than likely what you have already been saying.

Alright, back to the Bride. What can you do to provide some comfort to a concerned parent. Below are the recommendations and do not take them lightly for one second.

(1) First and foremost do not think that this is a game and you can pretend to turn over a new leaf. You can only pretend to be something you are not for so long. When the truth comes out - the repercussions can be something you do not like.

(2) Ask yourself why you are always spending money? Is this to cover up some underlying pain or is this how you are getting your emotional needs met? As you are preparing for marriage - get past the wedding day - MARRIAGE you have to look at what bills are you both bringing into the marriage.

(3) If you are continuously spending money whether it is yours or someone else’s, what does it say you will do once married? Will you shop instead of taking care of the household bills and obligations? Do not think for one second, that your fiance is not paying attention to all of this.

(4) Get into premarital financial counseling WITH your groom, so that you both are going into the marriage with your eyes open knowing what financial obligations exist. If you are not willing to go to premarital financial counseling - you should re-think whether or not you want to be married.

I have heard stories of grooms calling off the wedding because they did not like how the bride-to-be was unwilling to compromise on wedding costs. The bride continuously was creating more and more debt. The groom was unwilling to incur debt for the wedding and so that was the end of it.

Bride: What is the message  you want to send regarding finances to your groom to be as well as his parent?

Alright Brides, yes I do primarily write about money management skills for brides. Today, I want to continue talking about parents and I want to flip this for a minute because this side exists everyday and you have to look at all sides. There could be a mom or dad reading this blog and say I am the parent of a groom and I do not like what I am seeing from the bride.

What does that mean? That means that the son is ultra conservative and has his finances in order. However, he has become engaged to a “SHOPPER” and this bride is a person that wants the top of everything. She does not want to compromise at any level and right now is on the path to creating wedding debt beyond belief. Unfortunately, she does not care either. She wants what she wants.

BRIDES: Is this the message you want to send to your future in laws, let alone your husband to be? Do not think for one second if you are constantly talking about spending money to him that he is not having discussions with his family. WHY? Because what you are doing when you are in their presence is raising “RED FLAGS” and you are placing your Fiance in the position of needing to discuss what is happening when they are not there.

Concerned parent(s) know that money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Let alone if they have experienced their own financial challenges in their marriage whether they are still married or divorced or even never been married. Most people know firsthand or have witnessed someone struggle financially. If you are presenting yourself during the engagement and wedding planning process as someone that is not willing to compromise, will buy what she wants when she wants it regardless of what someone else thinks - you are placing yourself in the position of maybe not getting married to this groom.

Will a concerned parent(s) statements outweigh what you have to say? Not necessarily however, men will divorce a woman when the finances are out of out of control and they think she is to blame. When parent(s) are concerned, they have every reason to be heard. Let me ask you, do you think your parent(s) know you better than anyone - what you like, dislike, what you will put up with and what you will not? If you do, the same holds true for the groom.

What can you do in order to establish some comfort with a concerned parent of a groom? You must come back tomorrow and find out the recommendations!

Today we are going to wrap up the Budget conscious bride and the paying parent. I know the first two days were heavy. When you are planning a wedding and about to enter into marriage you must look at the BIG picture and all of those affected. Yes your parents can be happy for you; let’s face it there could be some mom’s living through their daughter’s WEDDING! It is your wedding and this day should be the way you want it without REGRETS. Okay that is another post for another time.

What recommendations can you offer the parent if you say no to the financial assistance for your wedding? Well, I am glad you asked the question because yes you are getting married AND not BUT AND after the wedding COMES the MARRIAGE. What do most couples want once they are married …. a HOUSE! Let’s get right into some recommendations for your MARRIAGE:

(1) Ask the parent(s) to give you the money to put towards a down payment on a house.

(2) Ask them to pay off a credit card.

(3) I remember we had gotten a gift certificate to a Bed and Breakfast that we used on our first anniversary. All we had to do was pack, get in the car and go. Everything was taken care of when we arrived.

(4) Ask them to pay off a smaller student loan.

(5) Since the bride and groom are budget conscious about their wedding,  give them the gift of premarital financial counseling before they get married so they know what they are getting themselves into.

Any of these will say the parent(s) understand after the wedding, the bride and groom are married. There are different situations that occur during marriage and they are assisting in getting the marriage off on sound footing without creating unnecessary tension and stress only days after the honeymoon.

Come back tomorrow as we discuss more about Dynamics of Parent(s) when it comes to a wedding.

Yesterday we discussed how you had everything planned. You and your fiance had talked about the dream wedding down to agreeing up on budget for your wedding. As soon as you let out a sigh of relief knowing that you had dotted all the i’s and crossed all the t’s, enter in the paying parent(s) saying they want to pay for a part of your wedding.

Not only do they want to pay for a part of the wedding, they want to change the venue and add an additional 100 to 200 guests to your wedding. You and your fiance had decided on a wedding that included 150 guests max. When we left the question was how do you handle a paying parent(s) as a daughter in the process of becoming a wife?

Dynamics are already in the process of changing and this must be thought out in detail.  Below are things to consider:

(1) Do you cave to your parents wishes and go over budget! Caution:  Is the message you want to send your fiance “NOW” in the midst of wedding plans that your parent(s) wishes come before his, thereby disregarding what the two of you agreed upon.

(2) Figure out a way to compromise with your parents so that all involved are happy whether that means they get to choose the venue or invite half of their friends and colleagues will be something that should be decided among all involved. Caution:  This message says you are into pleasing everyone which you cannot do. This does not mean for one second you should not compromise. Understand what you are saying yes to and what you are saying no to.

(3) Tell your parent(s) thank you. However, they have raised a budget conscious young woman whose about to become a wife. As you and your fiance have agreed on a budget for the wedding that the two of you can afford. You ask them to understand your choice to stay within your budget that is already established. You do not want to create debt for your wedding nor cause your fiance to think that what you agreed to does not matter once they enter the picture. Ensure they know you love them and appreciate their wanting to contribute. Caution:  There are some parents that might be upset because it will seem as if they are not in control. However, in the long run they should be proud of your financial choices.

Come back tomorrow for Part 3 which will provide recommendations for Parental Financial Help.

Love is in the Air. You are engaged and have begun having talks with your fiance about “Your Dream Wedding.” This is a special time in your life that you have dreamed about for years. Now you are engaged and this is your opportunity for you and your fiance to make that dream a reality.

Let’s face it even before this day, you were looking at Bridal magazines to see waht all the latest styles were. It is important to you to have “The DRESS” that will make a statement, make all those in attendance “ooh and aah”. A wedding dress that no one will forget and talk about for years.  One that when you look back on your wedding pictures, all the memories come flooding and your eyes began to tear because it was such a special day in your life.  It doesn’t matter that you have the dress in the closet.

You are preparing to attend several bridal shows and are quite excited about the memories that are being created even in this process. True enough, the economy has caused brides to evaluate chioces when it comes to the wedding. Take a closer look at venues, caterers, florists, number of guests and soo much more.

You and your fiance have sat down and established a “DOABLE Realistic” budget that you both agree to and are happy about. The “MUST HAVES” are on the list and there are even several items that you have discussed and compromised on. You let out a sigh of relief because you believe you have thought of everything until ……. (DRUM ROLL)…. your parent(s) decide to pay for part of the wedding.

Over the next few weeks the parent(s) go through your guest list, ask you about the venue and want to know all the details of what you have planned for your “Dream Wedding.”  You are politely told the venue you and your fiance have chosen is not going to work because there are an additional 100 to 200 of their closest colleagues and friends that would like to invite. 

Before this discussion, you were all set on venue, number of guests not to mention you and your fiance agreed on a budget believing the two of you were paying for the wedding.  The wedding is months away and several things are set in motion. How do you handle a paying parent(s)? This is crucial because it sets the tone for your parental relationship and your marriage.

Weigh in. Come back tomorrow for part 2. This entire week will be devoted to Parents and a Wedding.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been reminded in email from various people that peak wedding season is fast approaching. It is and one thing that remains true is this if brides and grooms do not discuss money before walking down the aisle, when money problems rear its ugly head there are a lot of couples that do not make it.

What are some of the common responses when money problems rear its ugly head? Continue reading:

1) Couples begin the blame game. Saying it is one another’s fault. Fault belongs to both if you chose not to discuss money prior to walking down the aisle.

2) Those same people that were at the wedding who were proud will be some of those same ones whispering that they didn’t think you would make it anyway.

3) There will be another group of people that stand on the side and say its too bad that they could not make it.

4) Silence becomes the norm in the relationship because the stress is so heavy.

5) Once silence sets in you continue being divided about financial issues.

Who will be responsible for your marriage becoming another number in the divorce statistic? If you are reading this and your wedding is days or weeks away, it’s not too late to begin The Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk. Get your copy today. Investing in money communication will be of more value to you than a blender, microwave or some other gift.

I was sitting here this morning and began thinking about what is important to couples. When couples get married, they think about the white picket fence and living happily ever after. They do not plan for those challenges that present along the way. One of the biggest challenges that happen are money issues. Let’s face it, we all know that money is one of the top reasons for divorce.

If you are like me and have read story after story in the media where couples are arguing about money and couples that were going to divorce but are staying together because they could not afford it says that money is an important issue that can and does threaten a marriage. It threatens a marriage because people are not talking about it before walking down the aisle or even afterwards until a situation arise.

Sure you can walk down the aisle knowing that you have some financial issues that have not been disclosed. That choice in itself when the money issues are revealed can threaten your marriage regardless of the length of time of your marriage. Money fights can lead to financial stress and strain, blame game, even going to bed at night mad with each other and we know they can lead to divorce.

What will you choose today? Money fights or Answers on discussing money throughout marriage?? You don’t have to be like the norm. Your marriage and money can work - stand up for yourself and your marriage.

Do you realize that if you do not value your money and marriage relationship, more than likely no one else will either? Why do I say that? How many people have approached you that were in a position to teach you about talking about money and marriage issues? Really take some time to think about this - during an engagement you meet with many professionals - florists, caterers, people in bridal shops, venue, wedding officiants, premarital counselors and more.

Has anyone broached the subject of financial communication with you? While you are choosing those flowers and spending money for the wedding day, what are your thoughts about the day after and the next day and the next day. Sure you should have a beautiful wedding. In ADDITION to that, I say, let’s have a marriage that is ready to handle any financial challenge that is presented. Let’s have a husband and wife that will not point the blame or be ready to call it quits when the first financial obstacle arises.

Finances is a topic that people are not comfortable talking about. Why you ask? Because most people have made their own mistakes and do not want people to know about it. People are also taking it for granted that the bride and groom already know about finances when in actuality, some brides and grooms do not even discuss finances until after they have said “I Do” and a problem presents itself. I want you to know about the mistakes I made, especially if it can keep you from repeating them and keep you from going through what I went through. My husband and I came to our marriage with at least $30,000 in debt. We cleaned up our debt (making approx $20,000 a year total) in two and a half years without filing bankruptcy.

I am comfortable sharing and happy to share. I will tell you the good, bad and ugly. Not afraid and will not hold back. Now you know me, willing to provide answers and a program that you can use throughout the lifetime of your marriage. When you do not openly communicate about finances look at this chain of events that happen:

Financial problem begins - arguing starts - finger point ensues - husbands and wives stop talking to each other - go to bed mad - work performance begins to deteriorate and it continues from there.

Take this opportunity to not even be in this chain. Invest in your marriage today. If you are a parent, invest in your son or daughter’s marriage. Do you know it is very hard for an adult son or daughter to come to a parent and ask for money? Give the one gift that no one else is giving - financial education for a marriage.

Go to www.DebtAtTheAltar.com for your premarital financial education program.

There are people that are in your life from childhood that you can pick up the phone and call to this day. Then there are people that you met in college and it was only for that season. Then there’s that group that come into your life for a specific purpose and then they are gone. or a long time and there are people that come into your life for a season. The economy is financially affecting people all over the world. While you are preparing to walk down the aisle, more than likely you have had to re-evaluate your wedding plans.

As I was thinking about engaged couples this morning, I wanted to ask you to make a list. I want to ask you to take out some paper and make two columns. The first column write Have Talked to About Money and Money Secrets, the second column write Could Talk to About Money and Money Secrets.

Once you have done that, make your list. If you are on the left hand side and you have people on your list other than your groom, what are you waiting on? Why haven’t you talked to him? Are you aware that money is one of the top reasons for divorce. Are you willing to place your future marriage in jeopardy by not talking about money.

Let’s look at the second column - who could you talk to about money? If you have people on this list other than your groom - you should proceed with caution. The concern is that you have not talked to your groom and you don’t think you could for one reason or another. It takes money to pay for the wedding, purchase a house and a car as well as many other things. Why aren’t you talking to your groom.

I would like to know, who is your own your list. Send me your comments.